And The Award Goes Too...

Now this is just silly. I stumbled onto some website that was run by this film nut who kinda does the same thing I do (see: any post I've ever made here, they're all ranting monstrosities), only he watches people movies too. No big deal, but it does mean that it opens a guy like that up to bitching about the oscars as if they meant something (unlike me, since I learned immediately that Godzilla movies didn't show up on their radar, which I thought was complete bullshit at the age of... I don't know, seven or something, and disregarded any authority it claimed to have right then and there, and haven't changed my opinion since), and all the heartaches that follow with that.

Here you will find the article where he goes through and chooses his own ponies. First off, I don't understand what the prize is. A little statue of some guy? Who cares? It's gold... I think, is that it? Don't all these hollywood jack-offs already have a bunch of money? And it has to be money that makes gold valuable, because it sure as hell isn't pretty or useful for anything (other than a conductor, but any damn metal can do that). The praise or bragging rights? No one respects "the academy," as I have illustrated myself and with that link which clearly indicates even people who give a shit about hollywood, people movies disagree with pretty much every decision they've made. I just don't understand why they still have these giant circle jerks when the only parts of the lord of the rings-esque run time worth watching is the very beginning where they usually have a pretty funny guy do a skit before the whole show starts to die in a baroque cacophony of gaudy ivory tower masquerade pretentious "we ARE movies" bullshit extravaganza-thonic pointless high-fiving fucktards.

Whatever. I got to reading this and I thought "well wait a minute, this guy thinks HE'S critical of this crap? Ain't no way somebody who cares enough to debate the awards as if they were important can out-cynic someone who... doesn't." And with a magic pothole, I found myself with all the material I needed to have my own "YOU-GOT-IT-WRONG-ASSHOLES!!!" awards. I'll call them, the "avacodies" after my random picture I pulled out, the rare and priceless avocado colored TamaGothi, which do not physically exist in our dimension, so all I have is this picture:

I would have made white transparent and inserted a little gif of a Murphygothi or something, but I don't have that on me and I kinda just pulled this out of my ass like just right the fuck now. I didn't want it to end this way, you know.

So there it is. Now, on with the awards!

BEST VISUAL EFFECTS:


"Visual Effects" is a politically correct way of referring to cgi, but when I first heard the term I thought it meant, you know, actual effects. The nominees were Star Trek, Disctric 9, and Avatar, which won. Now, there isn't much to say here because all cgi looks the same and it all looks like shit and will never get better despite the decades of hollywood jack-offs convincing themselves that they aren't watching a pile of badly composited donkey shit dance across the scene at impossible angles with a bizarre motion that makes stop motion look downright perfect, but Avatar was in 3D, and that's cool. In fact, all movies that aren't in 3D should lose automatically.

Granted, Avatar has SO MUCH cgi that it looks more like a 90's full motion video adventure game than a real movie, whereas the other look like modern video games with slightly less fake looking actors, but, again, it IS in 3D, and that's one step above in "visual effects" terms.

AVATAR

for Best Visual Effects

for Best Animated Feature

BEST EDITING


Nominees were Hurt Locker, some other movie, some other crap, Avatar again, and a bunch of movies I've never seen or heard of. Of the ones I have seen, Avatar's compositing effects are good in a 90's video game hauntology sort of way, which I just said, but that isn't really editing. As in, the editor doesn't do that. Also, Avatar already has one avocadie, so it's done. NO ONE WINS.

BEST MAKEUP


Where the special effects would go if there were any movies with special effects. The nominees were Star Trek, and two other movies that are probably made up. Star Trek HAS no special effects, only "visual" effects, so it doesn't win. But, since this was the 2010 awards, which covers movies from 2009, and the absolute best effects from any movie from 2009 was hands down Gehara (Raiga can suck it, and you're all thinking it, so shut up). Gehara was just the fucking bomb. Recently the rash of indie films filling the void left by Godzilla, Gamera, and everyone else in the late aughts (including Clover, who died in the womb) has made the whole "look" of the time be not that of genuine hauntology, but of a low budget Full Moon video or Ultraman episode that tries to make fun of it's budget, but still makes you cringe; but not because of the handywork involved, the sets and props and suits are gorgeous, but the shoddy compositing looks worse than that infamous shore scene from G2K. That said, Guilala (who is, after all, one of the big four G's, and is officially one of the big boys) has some Ariel Pink-like precision with it's hauntology scenes. I SWEAR TO GOD I watched those scenes over and over and COULD NOT believe they were recreated and not stock footage. It's still hard for me to tell which movie certain clips come from (I mean, on youtube and stuff).

But yeah, Gehara wins.

GEHARA

for Best Makeup

BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE/SHORT


Documentaries aren't art. NO ONE WINS.

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE

The only DRAWN cartoon left in the lot is, wouldn't you know it, the last real disney movie, the one with the frog and the racism... probably not specific enough, but you know, it's the LAST ONE. Now, I know I should give it to the shoe in, but Up, a pixar joint, won the award. It's time I accept the western world's continued rebuttal against the much, much worse japanese cartoons and gave credit where credit is due.

Avatar has got to get this one. Now, I know there are some actors in it, but didn't Roger Rabbit do that too? And Space Jam? We shouldn't ignore a cartoon simply because it has a few non-smurfs, we should embrace the spirit of the work, which is clearly that of a cartoon, rather than force some role upon it which it doesn't rightly deserve. However, it shouldn't have both, so I exempt it's earlier award in favor of this.

For Best Visual Effects, NO ONE WINS.

BEST ORIGINAL SCORE


Nominees are: Up, Avatar (what the fuck, again? That's it, you're disqualified from nominations), Hurt Locker, Sherlock Holmes, Something about a fox.

So furries are just plain vile, and I'm incredibly pissed off at the person who told me about those things, as I DID NOT need to know there were actual, real life people who lusted after cartoon smoldering cheetah temptresses. More to the point, these people should be exterminated, rounded up into some sort of... camp... hold on, I'm trying to concentrate... basically, the one with fox in it's name loses because I assume it's about creepy assed weeabos.

Also, I've only ever seen Avatar, and that soundtrack was fucking terrible. They didn't bother changing it to match an alien environment when they stole the rest of Ferngully. Whatever. I can't recall a soundtrack that I've liked particularly from this year either, so  fuck it. NO AWARD FOR ANYONE.

BEST ORIGINAL SONG


This one's easy. Nine Inch Nails's theme for Tetsuo 3 (or bullet man or whatever). OH! No, wait, I forgot about the song from Stilyagi with Ariel Pink! Tough choice, but at least I know for a fact that the new Tetsuo was from 2009, so they get it.

TETSUO: BULLET MAN

Nine Inch Nails - Theme from Tetsuo: Bullet Man

for Best Original Song

BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM


So basically, every film that WASN'T made in America. Cool, that's fair, so they're exempt from every other category, even though none of your own films were worth watching?

What else came out in 2008? '06 through '09 is such a blur for me, film wise. And the fragmentary situation with the news since Monster Zero died (Sci-Fi Japan is the most ridiculous piece of crap I've ever seen, they're nothing but contests and cartoons, no actual monster movie news) has made sure I always find out about movies at least 6 months after they're released. With that said, this one goes to the first Digimon movie, so suck it, bitches.

DIGIMON ADVENTURE (1999)

for Best Fucking Movie Ever

I'm gonna blaze through some of these:
BEST ART DIRECTION - Same group of five or six nominees again. NO ONE WINS.
BEST SOUND MIXING - Same dickheads. NO ONE WINS.
BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY - Same again. NO ONE WINS.
BEST COSTUME DESIGN - Guess what? NO ONE WINS.

For the actor awards, the only name I can attach to a face AND stand to look at for more than five minutes is Mo'Nique. But aren't we forgetting something? Avatar had both Sigourney Weaver AND Michelle Rodriguez, while Star Trek had that kid from the White Castle movie, the other guy from Shaun of the Dead, and Sylar... FUCKING SYLAR!

Sylar wins everything.

FUCKING SYLAR

for All Of The Acting Awards

The only ones left are best Director and best Picture. Duh and Duh-er.

JAMES CAMERON

ALIENS (1986)

for Best Director

GUILALA ATTACK THE G8 SUMMIT

for Best Damn Comeback Since Gamera's Heisei Movie, But Only The First Two Because G3 Sucked Balls And They Forgot The Whole "Monster" Part Of The Monster Movie

And that's it, Guilala is truly one of the big boys now, and with only on impossible to hate X-treme B-movie and one hauntology done right actually funny kaiju comedy under his belt, there is literally nothing to hate about the guy's entire career. Godzilla, Gamera, and Gappa (who cares about him?) can't say that. Plus, Guilala surprised everyone by beating Clover to the punch of being an established, big name monster with an actual series (it's 2, that counts), instead of just some faggot calling out Godzilla for no good reason and then never actually trying to prove yourself and dieing right before you had a chance to ever live. It's been three years now, and now sequel. You know how long it took Godzilla? One year. King Kong took even less than that.

Point is, Guilala is better than Gamera... and, if Toho fucks up the pacing and misses the king's 60's anniversary waiting for that legendary turd to drop, Guilala can just have the fucking throne, because Godzilla is obviously not in the mood to defend it.

I'm serious man, Guilala means business this time. Only took him 41 years, but whatever.

BEHOLD! I AM GUILALA, THE NEW KING OF THE MONSTERS!!!

Organizing Music OR Arranging Ariel Pink plus some other crap no one listens too anymore

So when I saw him at Fitzgeralds, Diva Dompe (you know, from blackblack? It's ok, I didn't either, but she's just as good as any of those L.A. bands, which no longer surprises me) came out wearing this floral jumpsuit thing that was pretty damn cool looking. But then when R-real came out he was wearing the thing and it was far cooler than anything Diva did.

I have this new computer (which is either a Decemberween or birthday present, can't remember which) and it got to me blank with a few games. Now, I've had to start fresh about... four or fives times by now, with my original E and C drives still holed up (although this new, stable computer is where it will go) at my dad's house and very little connectivity between the (now) three desktops, my laptop, and my mom's laptop on the count of that I don't trust removable hard drives anymore.

It is in these times when I have truly begun to appreciate a well seeded torrent. See, not only do I not have the balls to risk everything to back up one folder, but I also don't really have the time or resources o dig through my absurd cd collection (and thank you Vinyl, by the way, because I was actually beginning to get tired of all these increasingly fragile parts, and with USB turntables I don't even need the damned things anymore. Plus, bands that don't produce vinyl records make a bold statement about how they don't want my money!) to rip stuff, because I can't do just one thing, I have to get everything.

Torrents allow me to get the WHOLE damn body of work without spending half an hour in a cold sweat hoping that my drive doesn't crap out and I loose everything (this is, by the way, all the fault of a mac. If they were just normal fucking computers then my drive wouldn't bother me anymore, and I'd just get a terabyte thing and be done with it) or digging through boxes to re-find a cd I already ripped so that I could safely ignore the shattered jewel cases and mismatched sleeves.

Plus, it's a great feeling when, after spending so much time tracking down all the music, neatly ripping and organizing the music in a fashion that makes sense for that individual artist (as they all have different ways), and meticulously going through the files and making sure the name and file info all sync up, that I never have to do that again. Plus, there's always going to be stuff I missed, and I'm never spending another fucking dime on NIN after that bullshit trainwreck he went through called "sobriety." Of course, Trent really doesn't care nowadays and even leaks his own stuff, so there's that. Perhaps thats why the post-fragile (yeah, because I never really HEARD the Fragile before, so I didn't really get it back then, but now I realize it was him slowly wasting away in a cocaine-ish way, meaning a great theme plus Trent's already insatiable addiction to workahol equals an awesome double album that I had overlooked because I thought "starfuckers" sounded a little TOO marilyn manson-y, even though now I sort of like it) stuff sucks so bad, because it's free anyways!

The irony of this, of course, was that I actually bought both With Teeth (Sunspots and You Know What You Are? are good, Home rules, and some of the remixes are grade A, of course all I got with the album were those first two tracks and alot of guitar-driven non-industrial bulshit) AND Year Zerlao (which is easily forgiven, since the concept involved a giant monster and was really cool, although realizing what With Teeth was actually supposed to be about [because it didn't "click" for me then, but now it's almost too obvious] is cooler in concept than ANOTHER dystopian future ruled by neo-cons, even without the presence, and Year Zero only has "the Warning," which is only good because it's the presence... okay the song really is pretty good but I wouldn't have given it a chance otherwise) but never really knew about or bought Ghosts I-IV, which is easily the best thing he's ever done, before going right back into the suck-zone with The Slip, whose title seems to be a pun.

bauhaus might be a bit of a problem, as before the ONLY TRACK I didn't have throughout the entirety of everything they ever recorded was "Shows" from the 1978 tape that came with "Behind the Mask" which was only released in a couple thousand copies from Metropolis, and I don't think they're going to re-issue it soon, if ever. I even had spirit in the sky, and all the other crap from the 1978 tape. And you better believe I got Crackle, Gotham, and Go Away White. The torrents for them I'm seeing are nowhere near as asinine about completeness as I was as a crazy goth teenager that, really, didn't listen to other things. Much as I now grow tired of all of that music which has been rendered obsolete by Ariel Pink, being everything else.

So there's a very good Ariel Pink torrent out there that really helped me get a grip on his whole catalogue, despite being a little bare bones for my current needs. See, it doesn't have "Gettin' High in the Morning" (which turns out is about crystal meth). Also other stuff.

The problem is that only a few of it's mistakes can be corrected with the widely available stuff (HG 1, 2, faux 3, 4, 5, 6 (which I don't have on CD, so I'm missing a track here that, for some damn reason I can't find anywhere), 8, 9, and 10, added pizzaz and other things that you can physically get without TOO much trouble aren't counted here, but you can trust that I'm not starting out empty handed, that's for damn sure.) Most of the things that are screwy is like,YAS DuDette, where "Stevie Storm" is that plus like eight other songs, so that if I wanted to hear "Shower Me With Lipstick" I have to FF>> like it's a damn CaSette! And it's just awkward to me how FF>> gets a vinyl release while Scared Famous languishes in it's "well, at least I have Politely Declined" CD form. Which, of course, I bought specifically for that song, and didn't realize at the time what a bunk deal it was.

Most of that has been remedied nowadays, and with my USB turntable even Added Pizzaz can join in on the fun. Plus, Papermache, a version of Scared Famous (incorrectly labeled FF+) that's more complete, but not entirely, Underground with Function and I Love Her Still (like the 8-track I bought), the complete YAS DuDette, and something called "Welcome 2 Our World" are floating around on the net, so that's good news, although I won't be happy until I have absolutely everything.

For those of you wondering what was up with that whole "Haunted Graffiti" thing, it turns out it isn't as cryptic as you would believe. It was a numbering system invented around 1998 for Underground for Ariel to keep track of stuff, and not necessarily anyone else. Because this is also roughly the times when the band formed (Gary War, John Maus, and Tim Koh), it was also used as a name for this group of backers, all of whom were doing other things as well, which seemed like a good idea to seperate Ariel Pink from the "band" asthetic which didn't technically apply to the recordings.

Of course, there are always exceptions, and I still haven't gotten over not being able to see the "real" haunted graffiti. Not that I don't like Aaron and Kenny or anything, it's just... like seeing bauhaus play with a couple of guys you've never heard of playing in place of Daniel Ash and Kevin Haskins.

And this thing about it being a planned group of 10 releases? Not so much. According to Ariel, Before Today can be considered 10 if you want to, but really, because it is so different from everything before it, it should be counted as 1 in... I guess just how many 4AD albums they have. This prompts the question "Well then what the hell was HG#9?" To me this seemed obvious, as the only thing it could really be is Odds + Sods (Vol. 1), and this was later confirmed. So we have the base 8 where somehow the idea that there was 10 got out, a bunch of loosely catalogued singles and EPs from the time between getting signed and touring with Paw Tracks and losing Gary and John during which many stuff is culled from the past as well as perhaps things that are new (and really, it's hard to tell, he could have gotten by without writing a single new song for 6 years, but I seriously doubt he did that, given how prolific he is) culminating in a new release of back-logged stuff that seems new to everyone who doesn't live in L.A. Then some wierd, in-studio non-lo-fi (what do you even call that?) singles, and finally another album, which doubles as the end of the HG series and beginning of... something else.

To reiterate, if you want Haunted Graffiti to go to 10, then they are:
1. Underground (1998)
2. The Doldrums (2000)
3. Scared Famous (2002)
4. FF>> (2002)
5. House Arrest (2002)
6. Lover Boy (2002)
7. Holy Shit! EP (2003) - Does this mean Stranded at Two Harbors is an HG? Probably not.
8. Worn Copy (2003)
9. Oddities Sodomies Vol. 1 (2008)
10. Before Today (2008)

Ariel Rosenberg's Thrash & Burn: Pre can count as 0, as it's the only real "album" that predates the HG thing and has a (formerly) attainable release. As I said, Papermache/Attention!/Hum It In The Streets is out there, and in a configuration that contains "Track 16," the most mysterious Ariel Pink recording of all time by my count, and the reason he never gets to say "lo-fi wan't a choice" to me. But, for a more inclusive list, let's take a look at the early stuff as dictated by R. Stevie Moore himself:

1996 The Nile Ran pt. 1-11
1996-1998 "Various Gorilla" rehearsals + performances (with a bunch of guys I don't recognize. Not sure what this is supposed to mean)
1996 Kids on Drugs (cassette, RSM makes an important note that this "includes just like peter schilling," which I suppose is a song of note in his early career. Could this be the mysterious "Track 16?" Don't bet on it.
1996 Kraftwerk/Expirements (I'm guessing it's more of his early WS-esque sampling-to-it's-natural-conclusion nonsense plus some wacky cool shit like Rain or Equus, but not those songs, mind you)
1996 Dove
1997 Death Dorm 1-4 (compilation, so don't worry about this one)
1997 tape 1 (first new for '97, if we are to assume the list is complete, which it isn't)
1997 metamorfosi/INUMI
1997 Equus 1 & 3 (here we go, I know what this is. could be versions, much longer, or just the name and is missing the track called "Equus")
1997 Master 1 & 2 (related to Equus?)
1997 BIANCA LIVE/DEMOES (ariel in a glam-punk band, apparently they left for NY and ariel didn't follow.
1998 Hum It In The Streets/Paper Mache (thouroughly not a mystery anymore)
1998 Ariel Rosenberg's Thrash n' Burn + Pre (note here the "&" is an "n'" and the colon becomes a plus sign. This is called a compilation on RSM's site, so I'm guessing the tracks are identical to the HEM release, meaning I don't know where each song actually comes from, so I could potentially have all of "tape 1" and just not know it)
1998 Gorilla Live 1 + Solo CD (Gorilla must have been a loose collection of people playing, roughly, as a group, sort of like Psycho Mental Terrorists, or PMT, or whatever name they decided to use that week. Here begins a series of releases from them... I guess?)
1998 Unreleased Gorilla tape (then why is it here?)
1998 GORILLA 2 CD
1998 Appleasians Vaults (another group of releases this time refering to "Appleasians." Could it be another band Ariel was in? I don't know, but it was clearly a unified concept sometime in early-to-mid 1998)
1998 Appleasians Greatest Hits CD (all they have is the vaults and a best of? Where is this coming from?)
1998 Appleasians LIVE / The Birth of Haunted Graffiti DEMOES CD (this is intriguing. Is Applesasians the fore-runner of what would become the Haunted Graffiti? Was HG originally a project under the Appleasians name? Was Appleasians an unrelated concept that failed to take off because Ariel left to pursue said haunted graffiti? If so, is there a parallel universe where APPLEASIANS, and not APHG, have rendered all past and future attempts at music obsolete? Many questions remain unanswered)
1998 Haunted Graffiti - Cemetaries/Railrods first album CD (C/R is called "crash crash on the drummer" on subsequent releases. This is interesting because it is the first in a group of releases named after well known APHG songs. As an album, this is likely a stripped down version of Underground)
1999 Haunted Graffiti - Underground Double CD (17 tracks can fit onto one CD, so I'm wondering what the other junk is. Judging from the rest f the list, Phantasm and Young Pilot Astray may show up, and in fact the addendum to the Doldrums CD, called Vital Pink, may be around this group and showed up there in case Underground never saw print from paw tracks, hence "Vital Pink.")
1999 Haunted Graffiti - Spires in the Snow EP CD (can't be anything surprising here)
1999 Haunted Graffiti - Phantasm EP (or here)
1999 Haunted Graffiti - Young Pilot Astray + Phantasm EP CD (again, nothing new)
1999 Haunted Graffiti - The Doldrums Sessions CD (the idea of Ariel Pink sitting around in a studio saying stuff like "that take was good, let's hear that back" while sitting around a sound booth and listening intently is hilarious to me, although one must assume he did this for Before Today)
2000 Haunted Graffiti - The Doldrums CD (and now we have entered fully modern APHG territory)
2000 STEVIEPINK - Ariel Pink + R. Stevie Moore (this one is listed as an upcoming CD, but the only real evidence we have of this genuine collab happening is, well, Stevie Pink. That showed up later, alongside RSM's Brain, on Scared Famous, and then after that on either Papergutz or YAS DuDette. So this thing may not even be a thing)
2000 Ariel Pink w/ Rebecca Lynn Excuse Live VIDEO (not even sure how to interpret this)
2000 Ariel Pink - Safeguards from Home (Thanx Mama, I'm Dead) VIDEO (so, uh, SfH shows up later on Odds + Sods, I don't why in the hell... just forget it)
2000 Mother of God + Orange S*NS - LIVE (I have no clue, but since APHG was in full swing by this time, I'm not sure it will ever become a concern, and it seems to me as if this was a one-off gig of some conglomerate L.A. bands that then dissapeared to time)

We also have "Welcome 2 Our World," most of which I've never heard of before, but happens to have alot of tracks listed as a tracklist for a version of YAS DuDette (like hold your breath and wait and nighttime is great). There is an extended list on the wikipedia page (ironic as they usual omit information) but this is merely things that are track-down-able at there original release dates, like the other HG#'s and the other junk.

I've also got something called papergutz (which is... I don't know) and an "untitled CD-R" which has Omen and a shit load of stuff with no name that I haven't heard on ANYTHING else, and some of it is purposefully hi-fi (like New Trumets sort of is, and some even in the style of the enigmatic "track 16")

Now, after Paw Tracks, the genuinely obtainable Ariel Pink begins to show up, this was:

2004 The Doldrums (Paw Tracks, CD)
2005 Worn Copy (Paw Tracks, CD)
2006 House Arrest (Paw Tracks, CD)
2006 Lover Boy (CD on... Ballbearings something? My LP is by Cooler Cat, and that's all I know, but the CD has an extra live track called "You Are My Angel" that I've never seen or heard anywhere else, so it's kinda important)
2006 Ariel Rosenberg's Thrash & Burn: Pre (Human Ear Music's direct reissue of an old compilation of even older stuff. You NEED this, so HEM's... dissolving has become a pretty big pain in the ass for me)
2006 Stranded at Two Harbors (the Holy Shit! album)
2007 Underground (this version omits Function and I Love Her Still... unlike the 8-track)
2007 Scared Famous/FF>> (by HEM, CD, called the "West Coast Tour Edition," it is a hodge-podge mix of material from both albums, omitting much of the best songs. And while FF>> has since been saved by a Vinyl release (from what I can only assume is Cooler Cats), SF still languishes, although Privacy, Deathcrush 99, Birds in My Tree, and Shedon'tknow-Whattodowithherself are out there if you look)
2008 Oddities Sodomies Vol. 1
2010 Before Today (4AD LP & CD)

After this started up, a number of various releases showed up at shows, and it's pretty much common custom to snatch anything you don't recognize, because you won't find it later.

2005:
Pedestrian Pop Hits - A joke? See, because it's one really long track that is anything but a pedestrian pop hit. Very cool, find it if you can. If you give up it's in the torrent, and due to it's length it would need to appear on it's own, so don't expect to see it pop up again soon.

2006:
Ariel Friedman EP - All of the songs here seem to be new, and only Facts of Destiny and Ariel (Friedman) show up on anything else. Which is a shame, because Choose to Loose rules the schools.

Gates of Zion/Ghosts - an Australian tour goody. Gates of Zion is obviously new for this record, and the Ghosts track seems to be cleaned up, it may be a new recording or simply tweaked, it's hard to tell. If you don't live in australia and don't have a time machine, no worries, both tracks are on youtube. "Gates," by the by, is fantastic and simply needs to be put on something a little more accesible than an Australian-only tour exclusive.

Witchunt Suite for WWIII - the closest Ariel is ever going to get to social commentary, and some of the coolest shit he's ever done. This masterpiece, in two parts totalling about 20 minutes, have a habit of popping up in different places, including some of the iterations of YAS DuDette, under a couple of different names. There's a good chance you can get these, if not actually being put on an album (they are not, unfortunately, on Odds + Sods).

My Molly EP - Really important. My Molly is out now on the vinyl FF>>, The Bottom is on Odds + Sods, both and gox2 are on YAS DuDette, but Rock Play appears no where else. This is a crime, because My Molly is pretty much the perfect song. You will end up with these if you're doing it right, but it's something to keep you're finger on.

2007:
YAS DuDette - this is extremely important, and a more or less "full" version is out there, so get it. YAS was a our only deal, and I'm not sure what the full tracklist is, but there is one I've found from a blog or something that pretty much includes... everything. This thing is just begging for a rerelease as "Oddities Sodomies Vol. 2." Are you listening, Ariel? You need to do this one right.

2008:
Live at Pacific Palace Aids - a real thing, but I know next to nothing about it.

Can't Hear My Eyes/Evolution's a Lie - The first clue that something was up for me, because, as I have stated, I don't live in Australia. That's cool though, because Gates is more properly "HG9" era than Before Today era. This was a genuine new song with a genuine re-recording b-side. I don't understand why "Revolution" became "Evolution," especially considering it makes him look like a crazy person from uneducated eyes, but the title reverted to it's original form for the album (and what might be a re-re-recording)

2009:
Round and Round/Mistaken Wedding - It was a mistake not to put the b-side, which has it's own video, on the album. Whatever, I'm not buying a single for one song, so your loss.

Cooler Cat 7" - This one is a little less ignorable, though. It has Flashback (which does not appear on Before Today), Reminisces (which does), Rama Ya (which is the first recording released of a song the band is heard rehearsing in a video from 2007 or so, but is not on BT), and Phantasma (a longer name for a re-recording that does not show up on BT, but was already on Odds + Sods, so big deal). This one is pretty important, and there are apparently still some out there? I can't order shit online so I wouldn't know, but there is still alot of interest in it at least.

Grandes Exitos - isn't it just like Ariel to make a best of... and then turn it into a "you had to be there" tour only fiasco? Well, this is one I can safely not give a shit about. I'm more worried about...

Kind of Kind/RSM's Brain - Not only is this the second best (My Molly was a kick ass idea) idea for a APHG single, but it's only the B-SIDE of a song that I'VE NEVER EVEN HEARD!!! This one is driving me insane, because I had the chance to see him in 2009, but it fell apart when I couldn't get a fucking ride to Hailey's. Total Bullshit, man. And now it's like it never even existed! Look, if Gates of fucking Zion can find it's way to youtube, why the hell can't Kind of Kind, which is COMPLETELY NEW!!!

It just pisses me off, is all.

There is undoubtedly more crap too, but thinking about it gives me a headache.

Yog-Sothothery: Family Tree of the "Gods"

Shuma-Gorath. A name-drop by REH fleshed out not by another mythos author, but by Marvel comics. Sure, it LOOKS like a rip-off of Cyaegha, but it his first comic appearance predates "Darkness, My Name Is." Of course, fingers are pointed by clueless fans of "that racist asshole," HPL, but to say a tentacled eye is an inspired idea is the statement of a fucking idiot. Hence, there are three of these fucking things: Cyaegha, Othuyeg, and Shuma-Gorath. There is actually a fourth, black with a red eye, created by Duane W. Rimel that is summoned by free jazz, but thats a whole other issue.

 First, some definitions:

THE CTHULHU MYTHOS, Ver. 1: This term NEVER EXISTED until Derleth came up with it. These "Cthulhu Mythos" are the strict, "I get to tell you what counts" kind that created the elemental system and had the elder gods actually mean something. During the ascension of Ramsey Campbell (who just wrote stories and ignored the over-arching implications of his additions to the "mythos" and therefore avoided the issue all-together), Brian Lumley, and Lin Carter, Derleth's great wisdom was assumed to be right, and Lin and Brian (BL, of course, is just awful anyways, his blind faith in this obsurd vision of the "mythos" isn't what made his stories awful, but it didn't help) added to the existing framework, and this then became the evolved Cthulhu Mythos. But then, trouble was a-brewin'.

THE DERLETH MYTHOS: Sos some guise figure that maybe Derleth was a bit off his rocker with the Pokemon-style attribute types thing, among others, and rebuttled basically all of the framework he had set up in order to organize his "Cthulhu Mythos." When the artificial infrastructure of what, up until then, had been seriously considered the geniune canon (shudder) collapsed, that pre-existing set of traditions has been called the "Derleth Mythos." Tierney was one of the guys who pressed this notion. Because of this, Lin and Brian sort of stuck to their guns, and RLT definitely USED the Derleth Mythos as it's own developed mythology, but after this generation the Derleth Mythos becomes a stagnant group of stories decribing the parts invented by Derleth that have fallen out of use because they're just too silly.

TIERNEY GNOSTIC MYTHOS: Tierney set up this name, half as a way to make fun of the "Mythos Wars," in which he used aspects from any cosmology he could think of, and just lumping them all together. For simplification's sake, this is just how RLT refered to Yog-Sothothery, which I haven't gotten to yet, so don't worry about it.

THE CTHULHU MYTHOS, Ver. 2: This is what is widely considered to be the "real" mythos, but that couldn't be further from the truth. Really, it does a good job of connecting all the stories with minimal inventions, but the problems with this iteration of the "mythos" are: 1.) It invents systems that were not there before, just like the last version/Derleth Mythos. These are not as bad as the elemental thing, and in many cases to actually seem to be the rule, but, as we know, no two people see Yog-Sothothery the same way, and there WILL BE inconsistincies. Hence, inventing anything as a rule for all the stories is foolish. 2.) Canon. First of all, no human being should have the balls to say "it doesn't count" ever, let alone with something with only the absence of an infrastructure to unite it. Whenever you say "this IS mythos" or "this ISN'T mythos," thats when you know somebody fucked up big time. It shouldn't need to be said, ever, whether or not a story has anything to do with GOOs and OGs, as whenever there is doubt, it's usually about a very obviously mythos story that doesn't bother to make direct references because not all authors can be bothered to stop the narrative to write down a list of stupid sounding names. The founders of the new mythos are still making a judgment statement about what the mythos is instead of letting it speak for itself, which is, again, the exact same problem the Derleth Mythos had. 3.) This is a big one now, because actual mythos literature has completely moved away from the Cthulhu Mythos and back into a normal setting (thanks to people like Robert M. Price, and... all the other new guys), but all the last holdouts on the outdated "mythos" crap don't write stories anymore. Scott David Aniolowski and his cronies write for, get this, the tabletop rpg "Call of Cthulhu." Yeah, thats right. They no longer contribute, and yet their stupid non-game is more influential to the general mythos audience tham RMP, DC, JA, RAL, SCS, TL, or whoever else is out there fighting the good fight. Video games count because they are, like literature, artistic CREATIONS, where not only a narrative, but a branching, interactive narrative must be constructed along with the visuals and the soundtrack, but a tabletop rpg is a bunch of numbers, doesn't do anything for you, and it doesn't matter if you even read the rules, because it's just a bunch of nerds sitting at a table pretending to be clerics. So, you know what? Fuck 'em.

THE HASTUR MYTHOS: This is a YS like subset of mythos that concern only and EVERY iteration of the big H there has ever been. Again, the contradictions and implications of connecting everything from El Viento to the Darkover series makes just this little subsection more Yog-Sothothery-y than the relatively boring and uninventive Cthulhu. Hastur, it seems, is FAR more interesting than most thing. Consequently, he is one of my favorites (and one of the reasons yellow is my favorite color.)

YOG-SOTHOTHERY: Now, this is what you probably think that the "Cthulhu Mythos" means. What Lovecraft wanted to do was to create an "artificial mythology" that worked like one of our older pre-modern pantheons, but invented so that there would be no source, just a bunch of recurring alien names that you swear you've seen somewhere before, but haunt you only in the misty veil of dreams. In the beginning, this pretty much meant everything HPL, REH, FBL, and CAS ever wrote, plus occasional little tales from E. Hoffman Price, Richard F. Searight, and Donald Wandrei. It wasn't until Derleth did his Zhar and Lloigor tale in 1932 that the notion of any sort of organization was seriously entertained. The family tree, which I am going to get to, I swear, is just an example of conventionalizing Yog-Sothothery (the name HPL used to refer to his artificial mythology, and NOT a pre-existing infrastructure with rules and regulations) to make it MORE LIKE an older, more established mythology. Of course, these guys love them some monsters, so they were taken to heart by all means, but the intent is what is important. How many other modern mythologies have freakin' family trees? Godzilla-Minya/Biollante (clone)-Space Godzilla, and that's it. Don't get me wrong, had HPL lived longer, there would have been much more deliberate meddling, but the point here is that we have four wildly different styles being used to describe the same thing in roughly equal terms without relying on consistencies, because the whole point was to make it like a pre-human fragmentary myth-cycle, which would be by it's very nature quite confusing. This mythology is all-inclusive, and is supposed to be used as a setting or compliment to the setting. There are no rules, only suggestions.

Bugg-Shash. Monster from a story by David Sutton about a fictional industrial/expiremental/dadaist/psychedelic/apocalyptic-folk record from the late 1970's that, when played, summons said monster. It was awesome, but then Brian Lumley wrote a sequel and fucking ruined it. He DID give it a name, and made it the cousin of Yibb-Tstll, so at least we got something out of it.

So about the family tree:
1. For the most part, the relationships are infered by titles created by cultists, and therefore speculation. That said, until we get a back story from a more reliable POV, this is all we have to go on.
2. Great Old Ones are contained within a single universe (in multiple dimensions, for sure, but ultimately one universe). They are subject to that universes physical laws and are therefore flawed versions of Outer Gods, and due to their instability, most can be killed with a blue flashlight (long story). Outer Gods, then, are like "multiversal cancers," which grow outside universes themselves. Fun fact: There are dimensions of "time-time" in objective reality evident in the fact that, somehow, there was a "before the big bang." This is big time super physics, though, and it would hurt most people's heads, and yet we have the math to prove it. Imagine then, how insane it is that Yog-Sothoth, who is coterminous with all (our) time and space, was born AFTER Azathoth, who is as old as our universe. True story. Outer Gods do not make sense as a rule.
3. The relationships and "begottings" are not literally "Cthulhu humps Idh-yaa," although sometimes they are. I feel I need to stress that the terms used in the tree are relative to these completely non-sensical creatures we are talking about because I constantly here the sentiment that making a tree is somehow "wrong" because a family tree is "anthropocentric." Now truly, what more insane statement can there be than that? Humans invented sexual reproduction? I don't fucking think so, dumbass. Welcome to Earth, bitch. Regardless, I said it, so there, happy?
4. The tree here is not devoid of thoeries. I have kept them to a minimum, and only where I really needed/could seamlessly and believably integrate it. I will point these out, though, so no worries.
5. Yog-Sothothery contradicts itself, sometimes on purpose. Cxaxukluth IS NOT Yeb, you moron, Lovecraft was being obtuse on purpose. Or, did you expect a racist to NOT be an asshole? Guess again, Lovecraft is a racist AND an asshole.

But enough, time for the tree!

Ghatanothoa, DONT LOOK AT HIM! This is when he fought Ultraman Tiga, turned the guy into stone, and then the children believed really hard and Tiga was revived some how in, I'm not joking, "Glitter Mode." Though the rpg lists him as 50 meters tall, Ultraman has him at a more respectable and imposing 200 meters. Ghatanothoa, if you'll remember, is a bad ass monster who can kill you if you look at him. I like the upside-down face, but otherwise this seems to be his "i'm bigger, but you can look at me for longer" form.

The tree starts with Mlandoth and Mril-Thorion. These two beings combine and split every eons of cycles and form new spawn, matter, and other things. In a creationist view, this is god, but anyone with a sufficient mythos % will tell you that infinity is infinite, and something had to create Mlandoth AND Mril-Thorion, plus they aren't responsible for everything.

I had an elaborate system here that explained the Half-Brother with the splitting and reforming. It happens like so:

SPLIT
Mlandoth forms Azathoth
Mril-Thorion forms Ubbo-Sathla
JOIN
They form the Half-Brother
SPLIT
Mlandoth forms Nyarlathotep
Mril-Thorion forms Yidhra
JOIN
They form Ngyr-Khorath, Ngyr-Khorath buds off (or whatever) 'Ymnar

The problem is that Nyarlathotep is said by HPL to be the son of Azathoth, and Yidhra the daughter of Ubbo-Sathla. This directly contradicts the Necronomicon, and I would hate to think that Donald Tyson didn't do ENOUGH research when he made Nya and Aza best bros, but that seems to be the case.

But then what about the Half-Brother? Nyarlat has one parent, and I can't for the life of me think of any other thing Azathoth would "screw" to make Nyarlat's 1/2 bro. Maybe a human or otherwise mortal cultist is the only possible thing, which would match up with the Half-Brother being some insane malformed worthless piece of shit who does nothing but kill whatever Nyarlathotep sends it to. In this revision, we have one split (Azathoth and Ubbo-Sathla) and one join (Ngyr-Khorath).

A perfect image of Hastur, feaster from afar for sure, and possibly the form that lurks beneath the lake of Hali in, uh, that one timeline. In the Darkover timeline, it is for sure the dragon, but I don't think they know that yet. This is his default "monster" form, while the dragon is kind of a special thing.

AZATHOTH
Via Binary Fission:*
Nameless Mist/Nyog'Sothep/Magnum Inominandum
Nyarlathotep
Night/Drog-N'Lyth/Magnum Tenebrosum
By a fissionary/budding process:
Tulzscha
Tru'nembra
Suc'Naath
Singer from Dhol
Mantorok?
Cxaxukluth
Cthalpa?
Yibb-Tstll
Ghroth
Ogdru Jahad
Anything else in the court
By "Seed of Azathoth":
Dho-Spawn
Xathagorra
Everything else, like Ghadamon, is from the rpg, and doesn't count (boo-yaa!)
From boning some cultist:
Nyarlathotep's Half-Brother

*These three are different, and we know Ubbo spawn GOOs when he splits, while Aza uses "seeds," so just reverse it to set Nyarlat, Night, and Mist apart from the court. This might even make Half-Brother just a bud and not a binary fission thing, but, eh.

UBBO-SATHLA
Normal fissionary process:
Abhoth
Hydra?
Many-Thing?
Binary Fission (opposite of Azathoth, when he splits he forms GOOs):*
Zathog
Inpesca
Shudde M'ell
Nyogtha
Bugg-Shash
Zuchequon
Han
Through Spawn-Based Descent:**
Yidhra
Yig
Chaugnar-Faugn

*Shudde M'ell is said to be the child of Ubbo-Sathla via binary fission, which is more specific than Lumley really needed to be. But since he was, it sets up why Ubbo has more GOO kids than OG ones, because he split first, than bud off the spawn, then...
** Ubbo-Sathla is said to be indirectly responsible for all life on Earth, which is obviously untrue unless you're already insane. The story goes that the Elder Things (Old Ones) created Shoggoths and Earthlings by playing with the tissue of Ubbo's spawn, hence why he's on Earth in the first place. By extension, this make Chaugnar-Faugn and Yidhra the children of Ubbo. Yig is also there, but I don't have a direct source, so I don't know why. Yidhra is Ubbo's Nyarla, so the theme makes sense, it's just not the case. Either way, Ubbo is STILL responsible for these three, if not Earthlings. Whoops, I mean "NOT Earthlings."

Shubbie in her "tree" form. Fun fact: it's supposed to have three heads and WAY more legs than that. Isn't she pretty?

MIST - Yog-Sothoth, Yad-Thaddag, Noth-Yidik?, Daoloth??, Crimson Queen
Yad-Thaddag's family beyond being the Kthanid clone of Yog isn't spelled out. I would guess other "elder gods," like Nodens, Isis, Vorvadoss, N'tse-Kaambl, and Bast(?) somehow spawn from him.
Noth-Yidik mated with Chthon (K'thun) to produce the Hounds of Tindalos, which is wierd, and may mean they made a being that spawned them, or Noth spawned them, and had another kid with Chthon, and the two got confused.
The crimson queen mothered Los, the crimson king, with a human, who is also the father of the guy from the Dark Tower books. She came from the mists that are beyond reality or whatever the fuck. He's silmutaneously referencing his older story with the nameless mist, connecting the two, which is cool. Cooler than anything that guy's ever written.
NYARLATHOTEP mates with Yhoundeh - Sebek, Mary/Masked Mute, Lurker in the Star Pools
Someone even says in the comic about Mary (which isn't her real name) that they don't think it works like that. Nyarla is way too human for his own good, though, and they basically smash you over the head with it (both Mary and Nyarlathotep tell the audience this themselves several times), so it stays. Mary is better than Sebek anyways.
NIGHT - Shub-Niggurath, Ycnagnnisssz, Tsalal
The first of the Xoth pairings, the Xoth system was the true eden for Outer Gods/GOOs. Ycnag and Shub have a presence at the same time, implying Night is somehow involved (the timeline is really involved, but I waded through it so you wouldn't have to, Ycnag is VERY important to the timing of events on the Xothic system, so we know more about her "family" than we do about her!).
Tsalal is the darkness behind reality, or whatever, but it isn't Night, so, naturally, it's one of the children of the Night (heheh).
Ycnagnnisssz - Zstylzhemghi, Idh-yaa, Baoht Z'uqqa-Mogg
Idh-yaa is like, duh, and Baoht, while not technically counting, needs to be there for the whole Shaggai thing to go down in the larger picture, since the Shan ARE it's progeny, and the Shan absolutely count.
Zstylzhemghi w/ Ghisguth - Vulthoom, Tsathoggua
Vulthoom - E'ilor/Green God?
Tsathoggua w/ Shathak - Golgoroth, Zvilpoggua
Golgoroth - Thog
Zvilpoggua - Sfatlicllp
Sfatlicllp w/ Voormis - Knygathin-Zhaum
Idh-yaa w/ Cthulhu - Ghatanothoa, Ythogtha, Zoth-Ommog, Cthylla
Ythogtha - Othuum?
Zoth-Ommog - Ubb
Cthylla (artificial insemination with a balloon robot) - Cthynhi
Tsalal - Cyaegha, Othuyeg, Shuma-Gorath, Free-Jazz Cyaegha*
*Until someone acknowledges that Duane Rimel created Cyaegha first, I'm counting it as a different monster.

YOG-SOTHOTH - Hastur, (w/ Lavinna Whateley) Son of Yog, Wilbur Whateley
Yog-Sothoth + Shub-Niggurath - Nug, Yeb
Yog-Sothoth + Nug - Cthulhu, Kthanid, Kassogtha
Cthulhu (via mutating influence on Deep One child) - Dagon
Cthulhu (blood on the floor) - Rhogog
Cthulhu w/ Kassogtha - Nctosa, Nctolhu
Yeb - Mnomquah, Groth-golka
See, originally I thought Golgoroth and Groth-golka were bros, and to facilitate HPL's idea of Cthulhu and Tsathoggua being cousins, I put a Tsathoggua LIKE thing under Yeb. Turns out Gol is Tsath's son. Then I found out Mnomquah was Groth-golka's brother, not Golgoroth, but there was no reference to their parent(s), hence, I just left them there.
Mnomquah w/ Oorn - Bokrug
GOOs aren't like humans, they don't see "sex" as an activity, because it isn't, as far as we know. There's no telling HOW they get it on, and I don't care to know. So, it wouldn't make sense to have a mate unless you spawned something. Mnomquah lives on the moon, Ibians came from the moon, and so did the Ibian-like beings of the Nameless City, plus Bokrug looks like Mnomquah, so done deal.

SHUB-NIGGURATH - Beast of Babylon, Chthon?
Shub-Niggurath + Yig - Byatis
Shub-Niggurath + Hastur - Zhar, Lloigor, and Ithaqua, and an unnamed tripl... oh, whoops, you can't have a tiplet if it's THE FOURTH CHILD you fucking morons. ITHAQUA is the triplet. Get over it, damn.
Shub-Niggurath w/ Human - Mother of Pus (I know, it shouldn't count but it's just so cool sounding)

Tulzscha - Cthugha
This has been just assumed forever, there's no reason not to just come out and say it.
Cthugha - Fthaggua, Aphoom-Zhah
Aphoom-Zhah - Rhan-Tegoth, Gnoph-Kehs
OR
Aphoom-Zhah - Rhan-Tegoth
Rhan-Tegoth - Gnoph-Kehs, Voorm (not even a real thing)
I've seen it both ways with no confirmation either way in anything I've read. So, there.
Cxaxukluth - Hziulqouigmnzhah, Ghisguth/Ghizguth
Ghisguth w/ Zstylzhemghi - we've been over this
Cthalpa - Denderrah, Chthon?, Shterot (Denderrah isn't stated as, but just to simplify)
About Chthon: isn't given a source by LC, used as one of Shubbie's generals in Quake, is an actual lava-man, so associations with Shub and Cthalpa are obvious. Not known if either is the parent, or which one takes precedence, since one didn't get Shub right and the other is a french rpg supplement.
Mantorok - Ulyaoth, Xel'lotath, Chattur'gha (again, simplify)
Ogdru Jahad - Sadu-Hem/Behemoth, Urgo-Hem, Katha-Hem, Conqueror Worm, Sammael
Sammael is the spawn of Nergal specifically, none of the others are given a "component parent."

ABHOTH - Atlach-Nacha, Zyhume
Zyhume - Yhoundeh
Yhoundeh w/ Nyaralthotep - we know already
Many-Thing - Red Flux (lives in Many's dimension, duh)
Yig - Coatlicue, Set
Yig w/ Shub - covered
YIDHRA w/ Yig - Ayi'ig (how did they ever think of that name?)

A perfect image of Tsathoggua. Except... well, he's missing some toad legs, and I don't think he has that many eyes, but everything else is 100% perfect. You forgot he was also a line with legs, didn't you?

Ngyr-Khorath - 'Ymnar

Oorn, Shathak, and Sysyphyx don't have a parent. Sysy is from atlantis, Shathak must have met Tsath on Cykranosh, might be FROM Kythanil, and then took Zvil back there. Oorn... who cares?

Let's look at the list of non-grouped entities:
Ammutseba
Beast in the Pit (dream monster, might be glorified nightmare and not GOO, or literal nightmare, kin of Night)
Black Flying Thing from the Vale that REH Never Named
Cynothoglys (Mordiggian's son or vice versa would work, perhaps put them both under Yibb-Tstll)
Dweller in the Gulf (Some relation to Vulthoom? Could be associated with Lam, who is also from Mars)
Eihort (fuck if I know)
Glaaki
Y'golonac
Gith (so, you cut off the face of a jackal and then glowing eyes? what the hell?)
Gog-Hoor
Hoppwood Tenant (it NEEDS to be in the tree)
Iod
Juk-Shabb
Lam (might fit in around Hastur or Yog, associated with other martian monsters?)
M'Nagalah (and it's two bros, maybe tie into Mordiggian/Cyno, or straight from Azathoth)
Mordiggian (son of Cyno or vice versa, also Yibb, again)
Pharol
Quachil-Uttaus (sounds like a Yog-baby to me)
Q'yth-az (Daoloth? He got two question marks being Mist's kid, so even that wouldn't be much of a link)
Quumyagga (had to come from Nyarlathotep or another dream monster, HAD TO)
Rlim Shaikorth (arctic guy, son of Ithaqua maybe?)
Sedmelluq (ANTarctic guy, I really wanna say Ubbo-Sathla, maybe Rlim, or something from Yuggoth)
Sho-Gath
Sthood (another dream only one)
Summanus
Yegg-Ha
Tharapithia
The Beach (so weird, but I can't help but think it's more of an Ubbo thing than a spawn of Azathoth)
Yomagn'tho (some relation to Cthugha?)

More later? Don't bet on it.

Why Sub-Zero Should Be a Cyborg

So, I just realized I haven't written anything about Mortal Kombat yet. Plus, now is a great time for that mess, because of on the count of how something really, REALLY cool is totally going to happen.

Now, for those who don't yet know, let me fill you in. The new Mortal Kombat game, which is just called Mortal Kombat for now, but it's unofficial title is Mortal Kombat 9 (and, unlike Silent Hill, this actually IS the 9th MK). I know what you're thinking, you're thinking "yeah, Sub-Zero vs. Superman was pretty cool, but without a gimmick, there's nothing to distract me from the fact that I'm playing a really horrible 3D fighting game that focuses on circle-strafing and stupid gay-assed punches in instead being an actual fighting game like, gee, I don't know, Mortal Kombat."

And you would be right to think that. Ever since 2000 there hasn't been a really "good" MK game. Sure, Armageddon was cool, and once again, Green Lantern smacking Scorpion with a giant hammer is awesome, but they all have two really big kinks in the gears (?): faggot-assed circle strafing and "fighting styles" which is a gay as hell way to add in characters with no actual powers. Or originality, but that's a whole other problem.

Basically, if they could just get back to where they left off, everything would be cool. That's what MK9 is all about.

And quite literally. When we last left our heroes (and villains), Armageddon's 60-something equally canon endings each affect the entire universe of that timeline, forever changing the history of classic rock. Raiden, who can now for some reason time travel, has gone back in time, or sent a message back in time, or something like that, in order to create a new timeline where... something else happens.

We don't really know the story yet, but the important part is that this is an ENTIRELY NEW TIMELINE restarting from the events of the first Mortal Kombat (the first game, not the first tournament).

So with this setting in mind, we need to establish two things: where we were story wise at this time in the original timeline, and what is going to or, dare I say it, already has changed in this new one.

The first one is easy: Both Sub-Zeros are still alive. Scorpion has yet to get his revenge. Liu Kang hasn't won the tournament for Earthrealm yet. Kano is still on the lam. Ermac is still a rumour. Other things. We've been here, but the interesting thing is that now we are going back to that time with all the retconned knowledge of the story in place, so, while Ermac was just a rumour in 1992, we now know that in-universe we secretly observing the first tournament. Cool shit like that.

And with this monkey wrench of the note from the future, shit is simply not going to go down the same way.

But here's the wierd thing: other than Sub-Zero the elder being alive still (which isn't a change at this point in the timeline anyways) nothing has actually changed yet. But Ed Boon assures us that things are going to get shook up. How? Well, one thing he said (or was said to have said, I never saw the interview, I read it, so there's room for doubt) was that characters were a cyborg in the original timeline may not be in this one, and vice versa.

But, we've already seen both Cyrax and Sektor (and I'm pretty sad about human Sektor, honestly, because human Cyrax would just use bombs and a net, but what made Sektor such a high ranking Lin Kuei? Did he literally carry a rocket launcher with him?), so that just leaves Smoke to be human, which is a given, because Smoke has to be a human for the game to not suck, which it clearly does not.

So who's the cyborg? Sub-Zero, of course! Remember, we aren't losing human Sub-Zero, because the older brother is still alive, so we get both human and cyborg Sub-Zeroes AND we get to include both brothers in the storyline in new ways that will alter how the drama will play out.

In some other words, it's really fucking cool.

And you can't really debate this without looking like a retard either. Noob's gone, and a vote for non-robot Sub Jr. is a vote for two human Sub-Zeroes, which is, as I just said, fucking retarded. Plus the other benefit is human Smoke which is also the only possible way that could go.

Really now, there is no other possibility. Killing baby Sub and making him Noob would be ridiculous and uninspired. Robot Sub? Awesome.

In other MK9 ninja news, we are also going to see Ruby/Scarlet for the first time. Ed sent out a photo of one of the character's legs, and it was a femal ninja-looking deal but wearing red. He also mentioned bringing back more rumours from the past games and substantiating them, like how he used to do back when Mortal Kombat was good.

So, Ruby is all but confirmed.

Also, another qoute mentions that if you had a favorite from MK-MK3, they're probably in. So no-brainers Jade and Ermac are all but in as well.

That brings the current ninja population to:
Sub-Zero
Scorpion
Reptile
Sektor
Mileena
Kitana
Cyrax
Cyber-Sub
Smoke
Ruby
Ermac
Jade

That's 12 ninjas. Unless there are more ninjas than non-ninjas in this game, which I don't think is likely, that's gonna be a metric shit ton of characters. Like, probably too many. Chameleon and Reiko were directly stated to not be present long ago, by the way. Not MUCH of a loss, but it won't be a complete ninja roster without them. Shao Khan is in though, and that's better than Reiko, really.

But, anywhichways, that's what I know about that. This, Splatterhouse, Silent Hill, and of course Bayonetta are going to break the camel's back on this and I'm going to need one of those stupid damned PS3s. More like PS$350, am I right?

Okay, so, uh, bye.

Ruining Godzilla 29 a Full 2 Years Before Release

When I saw this poster, I squealed like a hysterical schoolgirl. For obvious reasons. It took a whole 5 minutes for me to go from "jonas brothers screaming" to "star wars nerd rage."

Remember Godzilla 29 and how cool it was going to be, and how it was totally going to be the movie Banno has been waiting to make for, like, 40 years? Yeah, well, guess what. Hollywood fucked it up already, and the film isn't due for another 2 years.

Yeah, I know, the poster looks so cool, and it was confirmed (like you NEED a confirmation) that Godzilla will be X-ing at least one other kaiju, but then they had to go and use the c-word.

So that's it then. Nevermind that Godzilla single handedly INVENTED special effects, or that CGI is a discredited trope that hasn't been used in a monster movie since... uh... Peter Jackson's King Kong (and we all know how THAT turned out...), or that the ability to use CGI as an enhancement to existing practical effects creating a whole new field of integrated technology that would have been Eiji Tsuburaya's dream come true and is responsible for some of the most gorgeous monster movies of all time (Silent Hill, GMM, AvP, any recent Werewolf movie, the new Gamera, etc.), and I guess it doesn't really matter that not only does the movie going audience despise the very idea of CGI characters in modern films, but the niche market a Godzilla film occupies hinges, uh... 100% of it's audience based on whether Godzilla is done practically or not, something that YOU'RE NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO ASK ABOUT!

This is non-negotiable. Fucking fix it or I walk on the franchise. I've been obsessed with Godzilla since I was 2, it was my one insane fanboy thing that I could really call my own, the one thing I got irrationally pissy about when the status quo was nudged a little (remember when they made King Ghidorah a good guy? Those were dangerous times to try and talk to me), and now I can't even have that.

Fuck you, Godzilla. Maybe it isn't too late to change my major. Looks like it's time to quit film school and drop the "armchair" from "armchair paleontologist."

Although, if Satsuma walks, then Godzilla himself is still cool, and we just have another GINO on our hands. That would be a very sad turn of events, but at least it means there is a better future to look forward too.

R.I.P. Godzilla (1954-2007)

P.S. It would be really nice of you to somehow rise from your grave just one more time, and get this "cgi" thing dealt with. Just sayin'.

Deo Gratis Pro Ariel Pink

The only thing left is the inevitable cover bands. By the by, you CAN NOT have Submarine Yellow's Spooky Doodles. That's mine. I call dibs.

But really though, why are there other things? Do we really need them anymore? We've got Ariel Pink already, soooo...

And it's wierd, because I've never felt this way before. I mean, really, I'm done. I know that, logically, we are only at middle Ariel Pink, and the late is still to come, but I can't stretch my brain around in order to figure out what the hell possibly comes next. Maybe I'm tired. Maybe all those wild times in the 70's with acid and Boyd Rice burned me out, maybe I'm still bitter after the divorce, or perhaps this has something to do with one of those other believable things that I totally did, but I'm just done.

Recently, I've tracked down some Ariel Pink stuff from 1996-1998 and such much that, before today (heheh) I never even bothered to look for because, get this, I was too scared of what I might hear. Like, if the stuff he was choosing to allow us, the unwashed public, to hear was, uh, like THAT, then what were his obscure and gritty underground recordings like? The very concept gives me shivers, and the fact that there is SO MUCH, that not many have dared attempting to collect it, and that Helen, Suicide Notice, and Artifact are totally enough and now I can die, just makes the whole proposition of "the super old school" Ariel Pink so mind-numbingly overpowering that...

I can't quite say what I'm trying to say here.

But, so what happened is I did find some of this stuff, specifically Hum It In the Streets, first run Underground (crash is still cemeteries/railroads, 2 or 3 cut songs, no Until the Night Dies) from like 1998, the original Scared Famous or FF>>, I forget, but it's got the "lost tracks," a version of YAS DuDette with the 15 minute steviestorm broken down (kinkaid? I was calling it "love emporium" this whole time!) and some other goodies, and something called "Welcome to Our World" which I can't find on any discographies.

And, of course, my worst fears were realized. Crazy 90's Ariel Pink (from the inception of Hauntology, and while his industrial influences are MUCH more prevalent) is painfully perfect. Did you know he was doing hi-fi in 1998? True story. The downloads are still around, so check this out to get them. Some of the tracks on this these things ARE on the accessible releases, but then, it would be wierd for me to assume you don't already have Underground or Oddities Sodomies Vol. 1 (where is vol. 2 already?). That, plus, being a pirate is cool.

And I'm still very hesitant about listening to all this, I mean, if the oppurtunity arose again I would grab it in a heartbeat because I can't miss a single thing, but still, knowing now that my hunch was right and 96-99 (or so) was just as, and in many cases more cool that, say, something on paw tracks you can just up and buy.

And certainty is always more scary than a vague idea. You want haunted, you say? The muddy netherverse of Ariel Pink in the late 90's is officially the most haunting thing on the planet. Color me (yellow/pink/whatever) artistically sated, I just don't need anything else anymore.

As a wise man once said, "Originality is dead, long live variations on a theme."

That is the will of the Grand Council of Hauntology.

But this too was all but a part of Architeuthis's plan...

There Are No Crazy People Anymore

I wrote about two half articles, one with Ariel Pink chords (turns out I'd gotten Artifact wrong, though, so no harm no foul, I guess, whatever that means) and one as a reaction to something Tricia (some girl who likes dinosaurs, art, and dinosaur art whose blog I read when I can) saying that, even though dinosaurs have feathers, they don't have TOO MANY feathers, which is a damn lie and you know it. Peacock. End of story.

But as I was driving back from not finding the location of the shoot for Preacher's Daughter, I was starting to feel really uncomfortable. We're shooting out in Alvin, which is a little podunk hick suburb where they still fly confedrate flags. Now, I'm omnigendered (as in, all of them), and to the Nth degree at that, and while that may not seem like a very big deal in a time when most people are well-adjusted, multi-faceted, complicated individuals with copmlex feelings and personalities that can not be represented by a shallow, superficial system such as gender roles that haven't been updated since the 1950's, it does make me a tomgirl. Hillbillies, you may have heard, are among the last remaining people who give a shit about these things, and they don't like it. So, driving 10 miles under the speed limit because of a spare an hour away from home in the middle of bum-fuck nowhere is disturbing to me. Of course, with all those extra genders, I can hide the feminine crap without pretending to be something I'm not... but having friends who can't hide things from the crazies (such as the black people, yeah, you forgot there were still racists didn't you? Yep, they're still around, just not in public anymore) doesn't make me sleep any easier.

And then I started thinking about the word "tomgirl." No one uses it. Why? It's like, one of my favorite words. You know tomboy, right? You probably had a best friend in elementary school who was a tomboy, right? Weren't they kick ass? Everybody loves tomboys. Tomgirl is like that to me, as it makes more sense than "trap," but still has a really positive connotation. I just... like it. But why isn't it ever used?

Then I was poking around on google and found this neat little blog called accepting dad, and a year old post with comments as recent as two months ago. It's called Tomgirls vs. Thing Without a Name, and it explains why tomgirl never really caught on... something I'm glad I didn't notice as a kid. But it also got me thinking about this same sentiment I keep HEARING (note: I'm hearing the sentiment only, keep this on file for later) but never seeing in... anywhere.

There is this idea among all us normal, non-crazy people that the crazies have infiltrated every aspect of society, that they control everything, and we all must bend to their unflinching hateful will. Turns out, this is dead wrong. Let me explain what I think happened to make everybody believe this with an analogy:

Let's say we have a group of 10 normal, sane people with different personalities, viewpoints, and whatever, but who all respect each other's right to be who they are. They are all holed up in this bar, and outside are like, 50 guys who hate all of our 10 bar guys for various reasons. 10 of the people outside manage to get into the bar. They start spouting all this hate, and things get tense. One of our 10 guys politely explains that, even though the 10 people in the bar are different, they get along with each other just fine, and they have no ill will towards the people on the outside either, but rather the conflict between them was entirely conceived by the people outside the bar. Moved to tears, 8 of the intruders decide to stay inside the bar, while the other 2, unable to tolerate any human being different from them in any way, storm outside to gather more of their hate-mongering army.

The score:
Drinking and having a good time and sharing ideas in an accepting atmosphere
18
Stubborn assholes who want to lynch anyone different from them
42

Now this goes on for a while. Gradually, it gets to the point where most of the people inside the bar can actually go outside and talk to the assholes, because they have been accepted for so long, or perhaps, were once part of the crowd of crazies, that the line between who is and isn't acceptable begins to blur. Now we have 42 people in the bar, and 18 people outside. Of the 42, 30 of them are free to wander without prejudice between the two groups. The jerks outside can no longer tell the difference, and for many of them, if they could, they wouldn't care. This leaves 12 people in the bar who are still paranoid about going outside, because a slightly larger group of people outside will be immediately able to tell that our 12 are part of the "unacceptable" group.

The score:
People inside the bar who will be immediately persecuted by the jerks outside
12
People who have an easy truce with the crazies, and/or can slip by them unnoticed
30
People still clinging to guns and religion
18

The parallels should be obvious, but this isn't the end. It turns out that about a third of the crazy people outside the bar are secretly just like the 12 who refuse to leave. Under the ruse of going into to get the infidels, these 6 go into the bar with no resistance whatsoever, admit everything, have a good cry, are immediately accepted for who they are by 42 other people, and of that group, 3 still decide to go back outside and continue to live a lie.

The score:
People who are staying in the bar to avoid prejudice, including the ones you just came in
15
People who are completely removed from the conflict at this point
30
People outside who really are fucking psychos
12
People who are pretending to be psychos because they are afraid of how their psycho buddies would react if they knew the truth
3

Now things get interesting. Our 15 people who would not leave the bar suddenly grow a pair, and with the protection of 30 (secretly 33) other guys, leave the bar, catch some flak from crazies, but go on and do other things with their lives. The 12 true psychos enter the bar, and the 3 pretenders say they'll catch up later. Now what happens? Well, those intolerant assholes are still out there. So, the 48 sane people (3 in cognito) get together in a park with a live band and have a big festival celebrating acceptance. It's kind of a gay party, but the band is good, so people enjoy it. One of the prominent leaders of the "sane-ies" gives a speech. He says he's proud of all these people who embrace who they are and refuse to comprimise, and that even though they all get alot of crap from the people around them, and it's hard to even go outside anymore, remember to stand tall and never back down from who you are, and all this other shit. Everyone agrees. People are jerks, but stick with it, and together we'll give our children a better future, or some nonsense.

Do you see what I'm getting at? These people all had to deal with being around the crazies for a good portion of their life, and, to them, jerks were always the majority. But the problem is we have have 48 of this sample group of 60 all in the same room talking about how they are not excepted by... 12 drunks in a bar who nobody likes.

And I'm not trivializing this, if you are one of those 12-15 people the other 12 simply can not tolerate, they will not be nice to you. But, remember, all you have to do is avoid one bar that, and I can not stress this enough, NOBODY goes to. Nobody.

I'm fully aware that in the bustling metropolis of Pieceofshitville, South Carolina, population 4, all kissin' cousins, there will be hell to pay if you are one of those 100 things that crazy people don't like. Thing is, I live in Houston, a pretty big city that's in south Texas. Yeah, Texas. So where the fuck is the discrimination? The looking askance? The unfair judgement of character based on any number of superficial criteria? It simply isn't here.

Because what's happened now is that we are all a huge population of completely sane people who don't bash each other for unimportant nonsense, but rather we are ALL so concerned about the rednecks under the bed that it actually unifies us. We hate those boogeymen, all of us, in the entire city. You know, wherever they are.

And I've given the jerks plenty of chances to make themselves known. Plus, I don't have the ability to associate with people of any type of crazy. Religious people, 9/11 conspiract theorists, racists, sexists, whatever-ists, Tea Partiers, drama professors, whatever, I can't deal with those people, so I walk away. I've met them, I know they are out there, but even then these people keep these feelings to themselves, so that you really need to befriend someone for a period of time before it comes out that they are actually unbalanced, because THEY are the ones who are discriminated against.

But what happens to me when I'm wearing a tomgirl outfit? Do I get called a fag by everybody and their dog? No, of course not. Most boys at school have a crush on me, true story. But I'm not saying this to brag, I'm getting to another point here, and it's about why the word "tomgirl" isn't used in the first place.

Now let's say you come across a tomgirl, and you assume that their life is an endless nightmare of persecution and you want to make sure you treat them with the respect any human being deserves (except, of course, drama professors). How do you address them? Who knows? Don't ask me, I certainly have no clue. Actually, no one does. What is considered polite? Further, with so many uneeded distinctions about why any given individual fills any given gender role or identity, how do you know the polite way to refer to that person?

We know that if it's a transexual, you use the pronouns that apply to the sex that person feels that they are. But then we already have subtle sexism at work, because why does a feminine gender role become the only diagnostic factor in identifying someone as a MtF transexual? That's fucking sexist right there, just because they feel as though they are a certain sex, doesn't mean they have to fill an outdated gender role based off of it.

But what if they do? Are they trying to hide their sex? Are they wearing a choker to conceal an adam's apple, or just because they thought it was pretty? Is it just an ugly woman? Or a hot woman with an unfortunate shoulder width and a sharper looking face? How can you tell? Can you ask them? Is that impolite? Should you assume they want to be female, or is that sexist too? Can you complement them on their outfit, or is that sexual harasment? Wow, if they're hot, were you gay for dudes this whole time?

And it's neat because you can actually see the wheels turning in people's heads as they struggle with how they are supposed to treat you, what's considered "right" and "wrong." The truth is there is no right or wrong yet, and the revelation that genders are fucking stupid in the first place has only started working into the mainstream public for the past 20 years or so. People aren't being rude on purpose, they just truly don't know what to say.

Because of this, "tomgirl" never gets used, or even thought of. It's funny, though, because there are no terms for primarily neutral or androgynous people. What would that even be? Tomperson for neutral and... tombowie? I don't even know. Plus, except for maybe connecting andros with hermaphrodites, N & A were not based on a sex, so EVERYONE who has a N/A gender identity or role is a tom-whatever.

And what about me? Sure, I've got an outfit for each one, but that just ignores the fact that I'm all of them depending on what mood I'm in. What do you call that? Tom-everything? The answer: you would ONLY come up with different nomenclature when I'm wearing a skirt + heels, because for some reason, being neutral, masculine, and androgynous doesn't really seem to warrant a special name, and THAT'S sexist.

But that's where we are right now. We are just now feeling our way around in a pretty murky area, and no one really knows the right way to handle it. Fine with me, because I don't really care about pronouns or whatever, but it creates an illusion of a cold an unfeeling world that refuses to accept who you are when the reality couldn't be further from that.

And really, that's the best kind of sexism. The I'm-so-nervous-I-don't-know-which-pronoun-to-use kind.

And one last thing: I don't want to make it seem like I'm ignoring the fact that some transgendered people (which, again, is EVERYONE, you neutral bastards) do live in the vicinity of genuinely crazy jackasses. They are out there, and they are Complete Monsters, but those people are in an unlucky situation, rather than me being in a lucky one. That's got to be a terrible situation, and believe me when I say that everyone (again, I do mean everyone) is on your side, and you need to get the hell out of there before you get hurt. But those people are the ones we need to be careful with our rhetoric with and do everything in our power to protect. Not me, I'm fine. It's the other guys who get put in a bad situation that you need to be helping.

And this is the last fucking time I'm doing this. I mean, really, it's over. The well meaning people are the only ones you can run into in your daily life who make shit look harder than it needs to be. Thanks for making a huge deal about nothing, but please, leave me the fuck alone. You're smothering me with your "well-meaningness." I ain't gay for dudes either, so no means no, you pig.

...I'm exaggerating in that last paragraph, but you can see what I'm getting at, right? You're making a mountain out of a molehill, and I'm not the one who wants to hear how "brave" you think I am.

Next time: Who the fuck am I kidding? Like I can keep track of junk.