How to Fix Pokemon

Hey there, audience of nobody! So I did a "how to fix Silent Hill" thing a while back, which was riddled with typos (probably because I was so engrossed in it I was only half paying attention), but I ended it by saying I was gonna post the possibilities for an Eddie Dombrowski game and a third, new idea I had that seemed rather obvious yet no one has used for a SH game before. Fat chance I ever get back around to that.

So THIS idea is even more rickety. The thing is Pokemon is an unrecognizable clusterfuck of stupidity nowadays. Pokemon happened, and it had a sequel, but after that shit went to hell and it's been hard to get back into it. There is one single unifying mistake that keeps me from playing any pokemon game post-Gold/Silver, but it's only one of a gazillion.

Thing is, though, pokemon is an extremely simple formula, and as such it is easy to get right as well as easy to twist the formula around. This post will cover what the problems are, how to fix them, and at least one or two redesign/redux pokemon. Maybe even the first four if there's time.

from DeviantArt I guess. SH+Pokemon is a terrible idea, by the way.

SECTION I: Identifying the problem

First things first, the huge glaring plot hole that keeps me up and night: THERE ARE ONLY 256 POKEMON! Where the fuck did this blue furry that's a clone-but-worse of Mewtwo come from and more importantly, how do we kill it?

Obviously the stars of pokemon are the mon themselves, so this one is impossible to ignore, and why are so many people okay with just abrubtly adding 400+ pokemon with no explanation whatsoever? Where did they come from? How can they exist? Where were they for the first two games and whycome nobody noticed them before?

Because some are okay with this, I feel like I need to qualify this and explain why there are only 256 pokemon. It's sad that I do, sure, but here we go:

Think back to the first pokemon game. How many pokemon were there? Professor Oak would tell you assertively in his "i'm older than you so you have to believe me" tone that there are EXACTLY 150 pokemon. No more, no less. Realize that this means he knows all about Mewtwo at the beginning of the game, and fully excepts it's reality. Realize this MUST mean he knows for a fact that Mew, #151, exists as well and is not just a pokemon cryptid. So right away he either means Mew, or is lying. Since the guy wrote the fucking pokedex himself, and numbers Mewtwo before Mew, he must be lying.

And remember how thick the lies were about Mew? You couldn't find any information on him from official channels at all. He was like a ghost, by contrast Missingno. was a complete unknown at this time.It was at least a year later before Nintendo finally admitted Mew's existence... even though you can't really deny it since Mewtwo requires Mew to exist.

But it didn't stop there did it? If Mew was #151, then what the hell was that thing in the first episode of the cartoon? It wasn't Moltres, and when Ash asked Oak about it, he flat out denied the possibility that the creature was ever real, and dismissed Ash's story entirely. That pokemon cryptid, when it was numbered, ended up as #250 not #152.

But there were also assertations that we "didn't really know how many species of pokemon there are." With Mew, Ho-oh, and Missingno., this was not surprising to hear. And when leaked images of G/S pokemon appeared, and Togepi, Slowking, Donphan, Pikabl... I mean Marill, and others began to appear in cards and the cartoon, it wasn't quite as surprising. The "pokegods" may have been fiction, but all myths have some basis in fact, and what once were the Giant Squids and Okapis of the world began to be found and acknowledged as real pokemon.

Now about pokemon genetics: Mew, the "all-embryo" pokemon, is a pokemon with all bases turned "on." Or Mew is the original pokemon genetically, whose dna (or whatever) contains all pokemon's information flipped on. He is the ur example. On the other hand, Missingno., number 000, is a pokemon severly lacking in genetic information, presumably with all bases turned "off."

That sounds like a sloppy explanation, so let me explain it this way: Missingno. is 00, Mew is FF. Now, Mew's actual hex address was never FF, but it gets the point across. Get it? So pokemon have a set number of genetic variations, or there is a finite number of possible pokemon that can be created from a limited and-not-prone-to-mutation poke-genes. They don't evolve like earthlings or Digimon, so they can't change the number of variations.

But what is that set number? Well, considering nobody ever said anything about there still being undiscovered pokemon after G/S, we must assume that at that time all possible pokemon had been discovered. Not surprising, since the level of technology in the pokemon world would easily allow scientists to alter the poke-genetics of a ditto or something to artificially simulate every possible pokemon in Mew's genes. So there are 252 pokemon, it's done.

So then this new game comes out and says, with no cryptozoology or mythology to back it up, "oh look, there's like 100 more fucking pokemon that no one has ever heard of until right this second and they're RIGHT OVER THAT HILL!"

Bullshit. You don't get to do that. Play by your own rules, and quit making shit up. Now, remember that example I gave about comparing poke-genetics to their hex addresses? So there are 256 possible pokemon in the original games, with one slot used for and egg and one being #000. In G/S, that leaves three Missingno. clones (instead of 104 in R/B). In fact, they were almost exactly the sameas G/S Missingno., so it would be wise to assume that there could still be four (or three depending on how you interpret the egg) pokemon that scientists have yet to artificially create yet. Hence, we stick to the original hexidecimal system and get 256 pokemon counting 0, going from #000 to #255.

Simply put, the in-game mythology of the series directly opposes any pokemon with a higher number than 255 existing.

Another thing: Missingno. sucks now. He's my favorite pokemon of all time and without him there's absolutely no reason to play.

Another thing: Pokemon is an rpg. Kinda a minor complaint since it didn't make the first games less enjoyable, but it's an awful genre is all. Pokemon are in Smash Bros., so why can't we do something fun to play? It'd be nice, but in truth pokemon is one of the handful of rpg's you can actually sit through (about 5 in all).

Also: What's with the versions? Why the hell would I buy a game twice? Memory limitations my ass, you can obviously fit information for all the pokemon in the cart, so why are the encounters fucked up? Quit money grubbing and just make a completed game. And while I'm on that, put it on an actual console. I don't want to squint to play a damn game.

SECTION II: Some Advice

So really the main problem is the number of pokemon. At first it seems like you can just say "well delete the other ones" and get on with it... but hold on. If we go with the hexidecimal system there are still three spots left. I know Leafeon was in some game in an official capacity, and he's been a pokegod from the beginning. So it would make sense that Charcolt, Sapusaur, and Rainer be included as well. Might as well stick Mewthree in there.But that brings it to #256, or 257 total pokemon...

Well, it is possible to avert the number if we are creative and play by the rules that pokemon has already set for us, something Nintendo never bothered to do. Case(s) in point: Porygon, Porygon 2, Mewtwo, and the fossil pokemon.

Both Porygons and Mewtwo are artificially created, meaning they don't need to, nay, they CAN'T be contained within the genetic material of Mew, they are manmade aberrations. Mewtwo is even supposed to be a clone of Mew, so we can go so far as to say it has the same genes as Mew but is interpreted differently.

Let's take a page from Final Wars and call this human folly the "M" base. Porygon could be 0M, Porygon 2 is 2M, and Mewtwo is M2, just for fun. Adding this to the naturally occuring poke-bases makes 17. To calculate how many species of pokemon are possible with the expanded natural and artificial genome, just square it, and we get 289, that's still including #000, so up to #288. Further, there is a "pokemon" called Porygon Z which is evolved from Porygon 2 in one of those newer games, but with just a little imagination and if we bother to justify his existence, he now fits in perfectly with the rest of the cast! Even better, it allows more space for artificial, man-made pokemon.

Now the fossils: as stated before, poke-genetics are static, Mew is everything any pokemon could ever be, and pokemon do not evolve. So, how does that explain fossil pokemon? We can't throw everything out the window because not only does the evidence weigh heavily against pokemon actually evolving, but Mew can still transform into Kabuto, presumably the oldest of the fossils, so Kabuto MUST fit in somehow.

But Mew can transform into Porygon too, right? Sure, but Porygon is still created from poke-genetics, and like Mewtwo, we should assume that the "M" base stands for metaphorical, because I'm trying to explain poke-genetics in hexidecimal, and Mewtwo IS a clone.

So whatever the alteration is, Mew can duplicate it even with non-altered pokemon dna. If this is the case, might there be other, completely natural bases that have simply disappeared over time? The thought is a little scary once you realize pokemon cannot increase their biological diversity over time, and will eventually boil down to one species before going extinct forever, but it is a fair assumption. An "extinct" base is completely fair game too, since they "we would have found them by now" is no longer an excuse, although the idea of living relic poke-cryptids is exciting, and I've always kinda thought Tyranitar was one such pokemon... no basis for that, I just always considered him the official version of "Tyranticus" or whatever that pokegod's name was.

So, let's add another base that was lost to time in all pokemon other than Mew, and call it "P" for prehistoric. That brings the total number of pokemon up to 324, or from #000 to #323.

By simply taking the game's own explanation for pokemon's existence and scrutinizing the pokemon that are already there before all the ass-pulling and shark-jumping and using the power of our imaginations, we have expanded the number of possible pokemon from 252 to 324! Thats 68 pokemon that make sense in the in-game universe!

It's that easy, and we haven't even gotten darker and edgier yet.

SECTION III: Darker and Edgier for the 90's

by Canyx or something like that. It's Tyranitar if you couldn't tell.

The pokemon themselves are a hodgepodge of mismatched origins, dumbed down awesomeness and loose ends that are ignored. For instance, did you know Butterfree and Venomoth's designs are backwards? Really? Then why the hell does Butterfree look exactly like a Venonat, and Venomoth look like a Metapod? Ever stop to think about why Kangaskhan's child, who is clearly different from Kangaskhan proper and since going through a metamorphosis counts as a new species isn't accounted for? Well, who was Cubone's mother? The first and second games are full of this sort of thing.

But the games continue to stagnate and wither when there are obviously mistakes and a lot of potential that is just being ignored. This is sad, and for this hypothetical "fixed" game, somebody seriously needs to stop fucking around and update the now decade old pokemon. They gave Rodan three horns and a beam weapon in 1993, so why the hell doesn't pokemon even try?

That said, edgier for edgier's sake is retarded, and Todd McFarlane is a hack. What we need is just a simple redesign. Jigglypuff should still be cute, but Dragonite should look like an actual dragon, is what I'm saying.

So I lied. There is one other thing I want to talk about other than the actual redesigns, but I will get to both next time (assuming there is one). That will be fixing the settings and at least Missingno.

Organizing Music OR Arranging Ariel Pink plus some other crap no one listens too anymore

So when I saw him at Fitzgeralds, Diva Dompe (you know, from blackblack? It's ok, I didn't either, but she's just as good as any of those L.A. bands, which no longer surprises me) came out wearing this floral jumpsuit thing that was pretty damn cool looking. But then when R-real came out he was wearing the thing and it was far cooler than anything Diva did.

I have this new computer (which is either a Decemberween or birthday present, can't remember which) and it got to me blank with a few games. Now, I've had to start fresh about... four or fives times by now, with my original E and C drives still holed up (although this new, stable computer is where it will go) at my dad's house and very little connectivity between the (now) three desktops, my laptop, and my mom's laptop on the count of that I don't trust removable hard drives anymore.

It is in these times when I have truly begun to appreciate a well seeded torrent. See, not only do I not have the balls to risk everything to back up one folder, but I also don't really have the time or resources o dig through my absurd cd collection (and thank you Vinyl, by the way, because I was actually beginning to get tired of all these increasingly fragile parts, and with USB turntables I don't even need the damned things anymore. Plus, bands that don't produce vinyl records make a bold statement about how they don't want my money!) to rip stuff, because I can't do just one thing, I have to get everything.

Torrents allow me to get the WHOLE damn body of work without spending half an hour in a cold sweat hoping that my drive doesn't crap out and I loose everything (this is, by the way, all the fault of a mac. If they were just normal fucking computers then my drive wouldn't bother me anymore, and I'd just get a terabyte thing and be done with it) or digging through boxes to re-find a cd I already ripped so that I could safely ignore the shattered jewel cases and mismatched sleeves.

Plus, it's a great feeling when, after spending so much time tracking down all the music, neatly ripping and organizing the music in a fashion that makes sense for that individual artist (as they all have different ways), and meticulously going through the files and making sure the name and file info all sync up, that I never have to do that again. Plus, there's always going to be stuff I missed, and I'm never spending another fucking dime on NIN after that bullshit trainwreck he went through called "sobriety." Of course, Trent really doesn't care nowadays and even leaks his own stuff, so there's that. Perhaps thats why the post-fragile (yeah, because I never really HEARD the Fragile before, so I didn't really get it back then, but now I realize it was him slowly wasting away in a cocaine-ish way, meaning a great theme plus Trent's already insatiable addiction to workahol equals an awesome double album that I had overlooked because I thought "starfuckers" sounded a little TOO marilyn manson-y, even though now I sort of like it) stuff sucks so bad, because it's free anyways!

The irony of this, of course, was that I actually bought both With Teeth (Sunspots and You Know What You Are? are good, Home rules, and some of the remixes are grade A, of course all I got with the album were those first two tracks and alot of guitar-driven non-industrial bulshit) AND Year Zerlao (which is easily forgiven, since the concept involved a giant monster and was really cool, although realizing what With Teeth was actually supposed to be about [because it didn't "click" for me then, but now it's almost too obvious] is cooler in concept than ANOTHER dystopian future ruled by neo-cons, even without the presence, and Year Zero only has "the Warning," which is only good because it's the presence... okay the song really is pretty good but I wouldn't have given it a chance otherwise) but never really knew about or bought Ghosts I-IV, which is easily the best thing he's ever done, before going right back into the suck-zone with The Slip, whose title seems to be a pun.

bauhaus might be a bit of a problem, as before the ONLY TRACK I didn't have throughout the entirety of everything they ever recorded was "Shows" from the 1978 tape that came with "Behind the Mask" which was only released in a couple thousand copies from Metropolis, and I don't think they're going to re-issue it soon, if ever. I even had spirit in the sky, and all the other crap from the 1978 tape. And you better believe I got Crackle, Gotham, and Go Away White. The torrents for them I'm seeing are nowhere near as asinine about completeness as I was as a crazy goth teenager that, really, didn't listen to other things. Much as I now grow tired of all of that music which has been rendered obsolete by Ariel Pink, being everything else.

So there's a very good Ariel Pink torrent out there that really helped me get a grip on his whole catalogue, despite being a little bare bones for my current needs. See, it doesn't have "Gettin' High in the Morning" (which turns out is about crystal meth). Also other stuff.

The problem is that only a few of it's mistakes can be corrected with the widely available stuff (HG 1, 2, faux 3, 4, 5, 6 (which I don't have on CD, so I'm missing a track here that, for some damn reason I can't find anywhere), 8, 9, and 10, added pizzaz and other things that you can physically get without TOO much trouble aren't counted here, but you can trust that I'm not starting out empty handed, that's for damn sure.) Most of the things that are screwy is like,YAS DuDette, where "Stevie Storm" is that plus like eight other songs, so that if I wanted to hear "Shower Me With Lipstick" I have to FF>> like it's a damn CaSette! And it's just awkward to me how FF>> gets a vinyl release while Scared Famous languishes in it's "well, at least I have Politely Declined" CD form. Which, of course, I bought specifically for that song, and didn't realize at the time what a bunk deal it was.

Most of that has been remedied nowadays, and with my USB turntable even Added Pizzaz can join in on the fun. Plus, Papermache, a version of Scared Famous (incorrectly labeled FF+) that's more complete, but not entirely, Underground with Function and I Love Her Still (like the 8-track I bought), the complete YAS DuDette, and something called "Welcome 2 Our World" are floating around on the net, so that's good news, although I won't be happy until I have absolutely everything.

For those of you wondering what was up with that whole "Haunted Graffiti" thing, it turns out it isn't as cryptic as you would believe. It was a numbering system invented around 1998 for Underground for Ariel to keep track of stuff, and not necessarily anyone else. Because this is also roughly the times when the band formed (Gary War, John Maus, and Tim Koh), it was also used as a name for this group of backers, all of whom were doing other things as well, which seemed like a good idea to seperate Ariel Pink from the "band" asthetic which didn't technically apply to the recordings.

Of course, there are always exceptions, and I still haven't gotten over not being able to see the "real" haunted graffiti. Not that I don't like Aaron and Kenny or anything, it's just... like seeing bauhaus play with a couple of guys you've never heard of playing in place of Daniel Ash and Kevin Haskins.

And this thing about it being a planned group of 10 releases? Not so much. According to Ariel, Before Today can be considered 10 if you want to, but really, because it is so different from everything before it, it should be counted as 1 in... I guess just how many 4AD albums they have. This prompts the question "Well then what the hell was HG#9?" To me this seemed obvious, as the only thing it could really be is Odds + Sods (Vol. 1), and this was later confirmed. So we have the base 8 where somehow the idea that there was 10 got out, a bunch of loosely catalogued singles and EPs from the time between getting signed and touring with Paw Tracks and losing Gary and John during which many stuff is culled from the past as well as perhaps things that are new (and really, it's hard to tell, he could have gotten by without writing a single new song for 6 years, but I seriously doubt he did that, given how prolific he is) culminating in a new release of back-logged stuff that seems new to everyone who doesn't live in L.A. Then some wierd, in-studio non-lo-fi (what do you even call that?) singles, and finally another album, which doubles as the end of the HG series and beginning of... something else.

To reiterate, if you want Haunted Graffiti to go to 10, then they are:
1. Underground (1998)
2. The Doldrums (2000)
3. Scared Famous (2002)
4. FF>> (2002)
5. House Arrest (2002)
6. Lover Boy (2002)
7. Holy Shit! EP (2003) - Does this mean Stranded at Two Harbors is an HG? Probably not.
8. Worn Copy (2003)
9. Oddities Sodomies Vol. 1 (2008)
10. Before Today (2008)

Ariel Rosenberg's Thrash & Burn: Pre can count as 0, as it's the only real "album" that predates the HG thing and has a (formerly) attainable release. As I said, Papermache/Attention!/Hum It In The Streets is out there, and in a configuration that contains "Track 16," the most mysterious Ariel Pink recording of all time by my count, and the reason he never gets to say "lo-fi wan't a choice" to me. But, for a more inclusive list, let's take a look at the early stuff as dictated by R. Stevie Moore himself:

1996 The Nile Ran pt. 1-11
1996-1998 "Various Gorilla" rehearsals + performances (with a bunch of guys I don't recognize. Not sure what this is supposed to mean)
1996 Kids on Drugs (cassette, RSM makes an important note that this "includes just like peter schilling," which I suppose is a song of note in his early career. Could this be the mysterious "Track 16?" Don't bet on it.
1996 Kraftwerk/Expirements (I'm guessing it's more of his early WS-esque sampling-to-it's-natural-conclusion nonsense plus some wacky cool shit like Rain or Equus, but not those songs, mind you)
1996 Dove
1997 Death Dorm 1-4 (compilation, so don't worry about this one)
1997 tape 1 (first new for '97, if we are to assume the list is complete, which it isn't)
1997 metamorfosi/INUMI
1997 Equus 1 & 3 (here we go, I know what this is. could be versions, much longer, or just the name and is missing the track called "Equus")
1997 Master 1 & 2 (related to Equus?)
1997 BIANCA LIVE/DEMOES (ariel in a glam-punk band, apparently they left for NY and ariel didn't follow.
1998 Hum It In The Streets/Paper Mache (thouroughly not a mystery anymore)
1998 Ariel Rosenberg's Thrash n' Burn + Pre (note here the "&" is an "n'" and the colon becomes a plus sign. This is called a compilation on RSM's site, so I'm guessing the tracks are identical to the HEM release, meaning I don't know where each song actually comes from, so I could potentially have all of "tape 1" and just not know it)
1998 Gorilla Live 1 + Solo CD (Gorilla must have been a loose collection of people playing, roughly, as a group, sort of like Psycho Mental Terrorists, or PMT, or whatever name they decided to use that week. Here begins a series of releases from them... I guess?)
1998 Unreleased Gorilla tape (then why is it here?)
1998 GORILLA 2 CD
1998 Appleasians Vaults (another group of releases this time refering to "Appleasians." Could it be another band Ariel was in? I don't know, but it was clearly a unified concept sometime in early-to-mid 1998)
1998 Appleasians Greatest Hits CD (all they have is the vaults and a best of? Where is this coming from?)
1998 Appleasians LIVE / The Birth of Haunted Graffiti DEMOES CD (this is intriguing. Is Applesasians the fore-runner of what would become the Haunted Graffiti? Was HG originally a project under the Appleasians name? Was Appleasians an unrelated concept that failed to take off because Ariel left to pursue said haunted graffiti? If so, is there a parallel universe where APPLEASIANS, and not APHG, have rendered all past and future attempts at music obsolete? Many questions remain unanswered)
1998 Haunted Graffiti - Cemetaries/Railrods first album CD (C/R is called "crash crash on the drummer" on subsequent releases. This is interesting because it is the first in a group of releases named after well known APHG songs. As an album, this is likely a stripped down version of Underground)
1999 Haunted Graffiti - Underground Double CD (17 tracks can fit onto one CD, so I'm wondering what the other junk is. Judging from the rest f the list, Phantasm and Young Pilot Astray may show up, and in fact the addendum to the Doldrums CD, called Vital Pink, may be around this group and showed up there in case Underground never saw print from paw tracks, hence "Vital Pink.")
1999 Haunted Graffiti - Spires in the Snow EP CD (can't be anything surprising here)
1999 Haunted Graffiti - Phantasm EP (or here)
1999 Haunted Graffiti - Young Pilot Astray + Phantasm EP CD (again, nothing new)
1999 Haunted Graffiti - The Doldrums Sessions CD (the idea of Ariel Pink sitting around in a studio saying stuff like "that take was good, let's hear that back" while sitting around a sound booth and listening intently is hilarious to me, although one must assume he did this for Before Today)
2000 Haunted Graffiti - The Doldrums CD (and now we have entered fully modern APHG territory)
2000 STEVIEPINK - Ariel Pink + R. Stevie Moore (this one is listed as an upcoming CD, but the only real evidence we have of this genuine collab happening is, well, Stevie Pink. That showed up later, alongside RSM's Brain, on Scared Famous, and then after that on either Papergutz or YAS DuDette. So this thing may not even be a thing)
2000 Ariel Pink w/ Rebecca Lynn Excuse Live VIDEO (not even sure how to interpret this)
2000 Ariel Pink - Safeguards from Home (Thanx Mama, I'm Dead) VIDEO (so, uh, SfH shows up later on Odds + Sods, I don't why in the hell... just forget it)
2000 Mother of God + Orange S*NS - LIVE (I have no clue, but since APHG was in full swing by this time, I'm not sure it will ever become a concern, and it seems to me as if this was a one-off gig of some conglomerate L.A. bands that then dissapeared to time)

We also have "Welcome 2 Our World," most of which I've never heard of before, but happens to have alot of tracks listed as a tracklist for a version of YAS DuDette (like hold your breath and wait and nighttime is great). There is an extended list on the wikipedia page (ironic as they usual omit information) but this is merely things that are track-down-able at there original release dates, like the other HG#'s and the other junk.

I've also got something called papergutz (which is... I don't know) and an "untitled CD-R" which has Omen and a shit load of stuff with no name that I haven't heard on ANYTHING else, and some of it is purposefully hi-fi (like New Trumets sort of is, and some even in the style of the enigmatic "track 16")

Now, after Paw Tracks, the genuinely obtainable Ariel Pink begins to show up, this was:

2004 The Doldrums (Paw Tracks, CD)
2005 Worn Copy (Paw Tracks, CD)
2006 House Arrest (Paw Tracks, CD)
2006 Lover Boy (CD on... Ballbearings something? My LP is by Cooler Cat, and that's all I know, but the CD has an extra live track called "You Are My Angel" that I've never seen or heard anywhere else, so it's kinda important)
2006 Ariel Rosenberg's Thrash & Burn: Pre (Human Ear Music's direct reissue of an old compilation of even older stuff. You NEED this, so HEM's... dissolving has become a pretty big pain in the ass for me)
2006 Stranded at Two Harbors (the Holy Shit! album)
2007 Underground (this version omits Function and I Love Her Still... unlike the 8-track)
2007 Scared Famous/FF>> (by HEM, CD, called the "West Coast Tour Edition," it is a hodge-podge mix of material from both albums, omitting much of the best songs. And while FF>> has since been saved by a Vinyl release (from what I can only assume is Cooler Cats), SF still languishes, although Privacy, Deathcrush 99, Birds in My Tree, and Shedon'tknow-Whattodowithherself are out there if you look)
2008 Oddities Sodomies Vol. 1
2010 Before Today (4AD LP & CD)

After this started up, a number of various releases showed up at shows, and it's pretty much common custom to snatch anything you don't recognize, because you won't find it later.

2005:
Pedestrian Pop Hits - A joke? See, because it's one really long track that is anything but a pedestrian pop hit. Very cool, find it if you can. If you give up it's in the torrent, and due to it's length it would need to appear on it's own, so don't expect to see it pop up again soon.

2006:
Ariel Friedman EP - All of the songs here seem to be new, and only Facts of Destiny and Ariel (Friedman) show up on anything else. Which is a shame, because Choose to Loose rules the schools.

Gates of Zion/Ghosts - an Australian tour goody. Gates of Zion is obviously new for this record, and the Ghosts track seems to be cleaned up, it may be a new recording or simply tweaked, it's hard to tell. If you don't live in australia and don't have a time machine, no worries, both tracks are on youtube. "Gates," by the by, is fantastic and simply needs to be put on something a little more accesible than an Australian-only tour exclusive.

Witchunt Suite for WWIII - the closest Ariel is ever going to get to social commentary, and some of the coolest shit he's ever done. This masterpiece, in two parts totalling about 20 minutes, have a habit of popping up in different places, including some of the iterations of YAS DuDette, under a couple of different names. There's a good chance you can get these, if not actually being put on an album (they are not, unfortunately, on Odds + Sods).

My Molly EP - Really important. My Molly is out now on the vinyl FF>>, The Bottom is on Odds + Sods, both and gox2 are on YAS DuDette, but Rock Play appears no where else. This is a crime, because My Molly is pretty much the perfect song. You will end up with these if you're doing it right, but it's something to keep you're finger on.

2007:
YAS DuDette - this is extremely important, and a more or less "full" version is out there, so get it. YAS was a our only deal, and I'm not sure what the full tracklist is, but there is one I've found from a blog or something that pretty much includes... everything. This thing is just begging for a rerelease as "Oddities Sodomies Vol. 2." Are you listening, Ariel? You need to do this one right.

2008:
Live at Pacific Palace Aids - a real thing, but I know next to nothing about it.

Can't Hear My Eyes/Evolution's a Lie - The first clue that something was up for me, because, as I have stated, I don't live in Australia. That's cool though, because Gates is more properly "HG9" era than Before Today era. This was a genuine new song with a genuine re-recording b-side. I don't understand why "Revolution" became "Evolution," especially considering it makes him look like a crazy person from uneducated eyes, but the title reverted to it's original form for the album (and what might be a re-re-recording)

2009:
Round and Round/Mistaken Wedding - It was a mistake not to put the b-side, which has it's own video, on the album. Whatever, I'm not buying a single for one song, so your loss.

Cooler Cat 7" - This one is a little less ignorable, though. It has Flashback (which does not appear on Before Today), Reminisces (which does), Rama Ya (which is the first recording released of a song the band is heard rehearsing in a video from 2007 or so, but is not on BT), and Phantasma (a longer name for a re-recording that does not show up on BT, but was already on Odds + Sods, so big deal). This one is pretty important, and there are apparently still some out there? I can't order shit online so I wouldn't know, but there is still alot of interest in it at least.

Grandes Exitos - isn't it just like Ariel to make a best of... and then turn it into a "you had to be there" tour only fiasco? Well, this is one I can safely not give a shit about. I'm more worried about...

Kind of Kind/RSM's Brain - Not only is this the second best (My Molly was a kick ass idea) idea for a APHG single, but it's only the B-SIDE of a song that I'VE NEVER EVEN HEARD!!! This one is driving me insane, because I had the chance to see him in 2009, but it fell apart when I couldn't get a fucking ride to Hailey's. Total Bullshit, man. And now it's like it never even existed! Look, if Gates of fucking Zion can find it's way to youtube, why the hell can't Kind of Kind, which is COMPLETELY NEW!!!

It just pisses me off, is all.

There is undoubtedly more crap too, but thinking about it gives me a headache.

Deo Gratis Pro Ariel Pink

The only thing left is the inevitable cover bands. By the by, you CAN NOT have Submarine Yellow's Spooky Doodles. That's mine. I call dibs.

But really though, why are there other things? Do we really need them anymore? We've got Ariel Pink already, soooo...

And it's wierd, because I've never felt this way before. I mean, really, I'm done. I know that, logically, we are only at middle Ariel Pink, and the late is still to come, but I can't stretch my brain around in order to figure out what the hell possibly comes next. Maybe I'm tired. Maybe all those wild times in the 70's with acid and Boyd Rice burned me out, maybe I'm still bitter after the divorce, or perhaps this has something to do with one of those other believable things that I totally did, but I'm just done.

Recently, I've tracked down some Ariel Pink stuff from 1996-1998 and such much that, before today (heheh) I never even bothered to look for because, get this, I was too scared of what I might hear. Like, if the stuff he was choosing to allow us, the unwashed public, to hear was, uh, like THAT, then what were his obscure and gritty underground recordings like? The very concept gives me shivers, and the fact that there is SO MUCH, that not many have dared attempting to collect it, and that Helen, Suicide Notice, and Artifact are totally enough and now I can die, just makes the whole proposition of "the super old school" Ariel Pink so mind-numbingly overpowering that...

I can't quite say what I'm trying to say here.

But, so what happened is I did find some of this stuff, specifically Hum It In the Streets, first run Underground (crash is still cemeteries/railroads, 2 or 3 cut songs, no Until the Night Dies) from like 1998, the original Scared Famous or FF>>, I forget, but it's got the "lost tracks," a version of YAS DuDette with the 15 minute steviestorm broken down (kinkaid? I was calling it "love emporium" this whole time!) and some other goodies, and something called "Welcome to Our World" which I can't find on any discographies.

And, of course, my worst fears were realized. Crazy 90's Ariel Pink (from the inception of Hauntology, and while his industrial influences are MUCH more prevalent) is painfully perfect. Did you know he was doing hi-fi in 1998? True story. The downloads are still around, so check this out to get them. Some of the tracks on this these things ARE on the accessible releases, but then, it would be wierd for me to assume you don't already have Underground or Oddities Sodomies Vol. 1 (where is vol. 2 already?). That, plus, being a pirate is cool.

And I'm still very hesitant about listening to all this, I mean, if the oppurtunity arose again I would grab it in a heartbeat because I can't miss a single thing, but still, knowing now that my hunch was right and 96-99 (or so) was just as, and in many cases more cool that, say, something on paw tracks you can just up and buy.

And certainty is always more scary than a vague idea. You want haunted, you say? The muddy netherverse of Ariel Pink in the late 90's is officially the most haunting thing on the planet. Color me (yellow/pink/whatever) artistically sated, I just don't need anything else anymore.

As a wise man once said, "Originality is dead, long live variations on a theme."

That is the will of the Grand Council of Hauntology.

But this too was all but a part of Architeuthis's plan...

The New Godzilla is Go, and So is the New Ariel Pink, Oh My GOOOOOOOD!!!

EDIT: I figured out how to load. So everything is ok now.

You know like the kid from Troll 2? Yeah, it's a stretch.

Anywhichways, HUGE fucking news involving my two favorite things, also Dinosaurs and Art, which is also nice.

1: That Rumor About Godzilla Was Actually True

And yes, this is actually supposed to be one of the design ideas. Godzilla might actually look like this.

So, um, in case you somehow missed this (which shouldn't be possible if you found this page), Godzilla #29 is coming in 2012.

I remember when I heard Tomiyama was shelving him until 2013 the first time, my first thought was "Pfft, bullshit, give it 'till 2009." While I was 3 years off, Tomiyama was only off by one. Well played, Clerks...

Well, the gist of it is Legendary Pictures (who made the Batman movie that Batman people like... and that's supposed to mean something to me) optioned doing the next Godzilla as a Japanese-American co-production sort of thing with Yoshimitsu Banno (from Godzilla vs. Hedorah, one of the best) as executive producer. Toho, we are now hearing, thinks this is a good idea.

Two things should be immediately cleared up. This is NOT another Zilla movie. Zilla is not touching this with a 10 foot pole. And while there is of course an underlying worry that, even then, somebody is going to screw up and make yet another, seperate G.I.N.O., I don't think it's something anyone should worry about.

Legendary has a good track record (apparently, I haven't seen these but I do know I like the Werewolves and junk) of getting fandoms right, and not pissing anyone off. This payed off for them in a big way with Batman, and now they got up the balls to try and do it with Big G.

That is BALLS, sir, Dean and Roland never did or will have balls. Or integrity. Plus, I'm pretty sure Legendary is run by a bunch of insufferable geeks anywhichways, so not getting the property right shouldn't be a problem.

Yes, even after Zilla, I'm willing to forgive, and I hope you are too.

Also, this is Yoshimitsu Banno we're talking about. Banno did Hedorah, remember that? That one got Tanaka all pissed off at him, despite the fact that it's easily one of the best movies... ever. He's most likely in this situation because some funding fell through on his "Godzilla 3D to the Max" fiasco and his next stop was Legendary. So, heck it might be 3D.

So bottom line is, you're probably going to see some crazy shit you never imagined you'd ever see in a Godzilla movie, but it's going to make Godzilla vs. Biollante look like yesterday's milk.

I have some really high hopes for this crazy-assed team, I really do. My one request is I want Eichi Asada back for the effects. I have never seen Mothra look better than in Tokyo S.O.S., straight up.

And I am keeping my fingers crossed for Bagan.

2: Ariel Pink is BACK BAY-BEE!!!

Whew, it's about time. I mean, I love Neon Indian and Washed Out and all that... whatever you would call that specific subgenre of hauntology, but I can only go so many years without new Ariel Pink. It was beginning to get ridiculous.

This is sort of making me look back at how hauntology, all of it, not just the music side, has made out over the last 15 years (yes, it is now goth-rock in the 90's). My conclusion? Not as well as I would have liked.

And I have no fucking idea why it hasn't taken over the world in a more overt way yet. I mean, yes, the problem is that the word itself is never used enough (and less used is the designation "haunter" or "ghost kid" that I came up with), but WHY isn't it used? Sometimes Ariel Pink is even left out, leaving article writers struggling for a way to describe him without the basic decency to call the fucking music what it is.

THERE IS A FUCKING PINK GHOST IN THE ALBUM COVER!!!

What the fuck!?

But I'm going off on a tangent (off on a comet... heheh), the news is all about Ariel Pink coming back to us.

So, it's on 4AD (you know, bauhaus's first album, Dead Can Dance, Xmal Deutschland, Clan of Xymox, Cocteau Twins, and Swans, right? Lots more, is my point), and it is... mildly well produced.

Well, I've always stressed that you do not need to be lo-fi in order be hauntology. I mean, would you argue that Broadcast or Telepathe aren't hauntology? And if so, are you stupid or something? So this is the ultimate test in my faith of that idea. And I gotta tell ya', from what I've heard, it does NOT matter at all. He's still got it, for sure.

So the 12 track album that drops on June 8th features a bulk of remakes. This doesn't bother me that much, but I am quite starved for something actually new, so it does sting a little. So far, I know he has re-recorded Hold On/Frontman (Round and Round, but you already knew that), Beverly Kills (YES!!!), and L'Estat (or the Widow's Estate, from Odds & Sods + either Holy Shit! or Worn Copy)... but NOT Before Today - Dazed in Dreams, which is odd considering that the album is named after that song.

Whatever.

This is what I KNOW he's doing over, not a comprehensive list. Some of the tracks from his last EP are on here, and if you've ever seen a video floating around youtube called "Ariel Pink - NEW SONG" of a live preformance playing a new song the name of which nobody seemed to know... it's on there too. It's called Fright Night (Nevermore) and it is one the best songs I've ever heard in my life.

Wait, one of? Shit, it's better than 0:00 by John Cage. Oh wait, it's the same thing. Nevermind.

3: The End?

So... all this has just got me thinking about how dissproportionate the amount of influence the hauntology style has in this (so far) and the last decade is to it's popular knowledge of being a style and not just "retro" or whatever. Maybe I'll do a rant about that.

Oh, and there was a problem with my blog not showing up on google, but that has been fixed.

And um... that really all there is to know about these things so far.

Oh, hold on (i'm calling, calling back to the ball, and we'll dazzle them all, hold on), I forgot something:

4... DOOM 4!!!

So, as a disclaimer, I can't really vouch for the authenticity of this image being actually DOOM 4 material or not, but I CAN say that it looks decidedly non-DOOM like.

So id tech 5 just got interesting. DOOM 4 in itself is old hat, as is the new engine, and the news of RAGE, an new "series" id is doing about a post-apocalyptic world where the planet (man, way to fuck up everything you stupid assed scientists) Apophis actually does collide with Earth in the late 2030's. It's got mutants, one giant mutant, and battle car racing. Whatever.

But there is a new DOOM on the way, and it will get it's official unvieling in august of this year at QuakeCon. I wanted to go (and why not, they're in Dallas, that's like 4 hours away), but unfortunately missed the "signup" period, which was earlier this month. Quite a line I suppose.

But that's not all folks. Carmack has also assured us that there will in fact be a Quake for id tech 5, which I guess is okay to call Quake 5. He also said that he wanted to do a sequel to Quake III, the plot of which was merely a Smash Bros.-esque framing story excuse to get player models for a multiplayer-only game, so that idea actually sounds really fucking cool to me.

Remember what they did with the story in Smash Bros. Brawl? Whose to say id can't do that with Quake III? I'd like to beat the shit out of a Vadrigar, myself.

More big news that may or may not have anything to do with id tech 5: a sequel to the best 3rd party id-based franchises since Heretic/HeXen, both Prey 2 AND Alice 2!

It's true, American is really set on getting Alice 2 out the door by 2011! Hooray!

Thing is though, he's working with these asians now, and the last game he did was developed with those programmers from scratch. So... I don't see why in the hell he wouldn't use id 5 for the new Alice, but it IS possible that he doesn't. That would irritate me, but at the same time I'm happy to hear it's still actually going to happen.

I'm a little less happy about having Alice Liddel shoved down my throat again. Say what you will about Tim Burton (and do it often, because the guy is a real asshole), but Alice Kingsly rocked my world in a way I didn't think an Alice could. Certainly showed up Johnny D... I mean the character he said he was playing.

Prey 2 is also a go, and I'm a little more certain that this is going to be on an id tech 5 engine. Then again, there has been no word, so it could go either way. The plot, as far as is known, involves something about Tommy coming back to Earth and being shunned by... someone, and then more aliens show up.

Or something. As long as I get to walk on walls, jump through portals and listen to Art Bell as I'm doing it, I don't ask too many questions.

Ok so that really IS all I was going to say.

Pick up the phone, 'cause I want to go home NOW!