Yog-Sothothery: Family Tree of the "Gods"

Shuma-Gorath. A name-drop by REH fleshed out not by another mythos author, but by Marvel comics. Sure, it LOOKS like a rip-off of Cyaegha, but it his first comic appearance predates "Darkness, My Name Is." Of course, fingers are pointed by clueless fans of "that racist asshole," HPL, but to say a tentacled eye is an inspired idea is the statement of a fucking idiot. Hence, there are three of these fucking things: Cyaegha, Othuyeg, and Shuma-Gorath. There is actually a fourth, black with a red eye, created by Duane W. Rimel that is summoned by free jazz, but thats a whole other issue.

 First, some definitions:

THE CTHULHU MYTHOS, Ver. 1: This term NEVER EXISTED until Derleth came up with it. These "Cthulhu Mythos" are the strict, "I get to tell you what counts" kind that created the elemental system and had the elder gods actually mean something. During the ascension of Ramsey Campbell (who just wrote stories and ignored the over-arching implications of his additions to the "mythos" and therefore avoided the issue all-together), Brian Lumley, and Lin Carter, Derleth's great wisdom was assumed to be right, and Lin and Brian (BL, of course, is just awful anyways, his blind faith in this obsurd vision of the "mythos" isn't what made his stories awful, but it didn't help) added to the existing framework, and this then became the evolved Cthulhu Mythos. But then, trouble was a-brewin'.

THE DERLETH MYTHOS: Sos some guise figure that maybe Derleth was a bit off his rocker with the Pokemon-style attribute types thing, among others, and rebuttled basically all of the framework he had set up in order to organize his "Cthulhu Mythos." When the artificial infrastructure of what, up until then, had been seriously considered the geniune canon (shudder) collapsed, that pre-existing set of traditions has been called the "Derleth Mythos." Tierney was one of the guys who pressed this notion. Because of this, Lin and Brian sort of stuck to their guns, and RLT definitely USED the Derleth Mythos as it's own developed mythology, but after this generation the Derleth Mythos becomes a stagnant group of stories decribing the parts invented by Derleth that have fallen out of use because they're just too silly.

TIERNEY GNOSTIC MYTHOS: Tierney set up this name, half as a way to make fun of the "Mythos Wars," in which he used aspects from any cosmology he could think of, and just lumping them all together. For simplification's sake, this is just how RLT refered to Yog-Sothothery, which I haven't gotten to yet, so don't worry about it.

THE CTHULHU MYTHOS, Ver. 2: This is what is widely considered to be the "real" mythos, but that couldn't be further from the truth. Really, it does a good job of connecting all the stories with minimal inventions, but the problems with this iteration of the "mythos" are: 1.) It invents systems that were not there before, just like the last version/Derleth Mythos. These are not as bad as the elemental thing, and in many cases to actually seem to be the rule, but, as we know, no two people see Yog-Sothothery the same way, and there WILL BE inconsistincies. Hence, inventing anything as a rule for all the stories is foolish. 2.) Canon. First of all, no human being should have the balls to say "it doesn't count" ever, let alone with something with only the absence of an infrastructure to unite it. Whenever you say "this IS mythos" or "this ISN'T mythos," thats when you know somebody fucked up big time. It shouldn't need to be said, ever, whether or not a story has anything to do with GOOs and OGs, as whenever there is doubt, it's usually about a very obviously mythos story that doesn't bother to make direct references because not all authors can be bothered to stop the narrative to write down a list of stupid sounding names. The founders of the new mythos are still making a judgment statement about what the mythos is instead of letting it speak for itself, which is, again, the exact same problem the Derleth Mythos had. 3.) This is a big one now, because actual mythos literature has completely moved away from the Cthulhu Mythos and back into a normal setting (thanks to people like Robert M. Price, and... all the other new guys), but all the last holdouts on the outdated "mythos" crap don't write stories anymore. Scott David Aniolowski and his cronies write for, get this, the tabletop rpg "Call of Cthulhu." Yeah, thats right. They no longer contribute, and yet their stupid non-game is more influential to the general mythos audience tham RMP, DC, JA, RAL, SCS, TL, or whoever else is out there fighting the good fight. Video games count because they are, like literature, artistic CREATIONS, where not only a narrative, but a branching, interactive narrative must be constructed along with the visuals and the soundtrack, but a tabletop rpg is a bunch of numbers, doesn't do anything for you, and it doesn't matter if you even read the rules, because it's just a bunch of nerds sitting at a table pretending to be clerics. So, you know what? Fuck 'em.

THE HASTUR MYTHOS: This is a YS like subset of mythos that concern only and EVERY iteration of the big H there has ever been. Again, the contradictions and implications of connecting everything from El Viento to the Darkover series makes just this little subsection more Yog-Sothothery-y than the relatively boring and uninventive Cthulhu. Hastur, it seems, is FAR more interesting than most thing. Consequently, he is one of my favorites (and one of the reasons yellow is my favorite color.)

YOG-SOTHOTHERY: Now, this is what you probably think that the "Cthulhu Mythos" means. What Lovecraft wanted to do was to create an "artificial mythology" that worked like one of our older pre-modern pantheons, but invented so that there would be no source, just a bunch of recurring alien names that you swear you've seen somewhere before, but haunt you only in the misty veil of dreams. In the beginning, this pretty much meant everything HPL, REH, FBL, and CAS ever wrote, plus occasional little tales from E. Hoffman Price, Richard F. Searight, and Donald Wandrei. It wasn't until Derleth did his Zhar and Lloigor tale in 1932 that the notion of any sort of organization was seriously entertained. The family tree, which I am going to get to, I swear, is just an example of conventionalizing Yog-Sothothery (the name HPL used to refer to his artificial mythology, and NOT a pre-existing infrastructure with rules and regulations) to make it MORE LIKE an older, more established mythology. Of course, these guys love them some monsters, so they were taken to heart by all means, but the intent is what is important. How many other modern mythologies have freakin' family trees? Godzilla-Minya/Biollante (clone)-Space Godzilla, and that's it. Don't get me wrong, had HPL lived longer, there would have been much more deliberate meddling, but the point here is that we have four wildly different styles being used to describe the same thing in roughly equal terms without relying on consistencies, because the whole point was to make it like a pre-human fragmentary myth-cycle, which would be by it's very nature quite confusing. This mythology is all-inclusive, and is supposed to be used as a setting or compliment to the setting. There are no rules, only suggestions.

Bugg-Shash. Monster from a story by David Sutton about a fictional industrial/expiremental/dadaist/psychedelic/apocalyptic-folk record from the late 1970's that, when played, summons said monster. It was awesome, but then Brian Lumley wrote a sequel and fucking ruined it. He DID give it a name, and made it the cousin of Yibb-Tstll, so at least we got something out of it.

So about the family tree:
1. For the most part, the relationships are infered by titles created by cultists, and therefore speculation. That said, until we get a back story from a more reliable POV, this is all we have to go on.
2. Great Old Ones are contained within a single universe (in multiple dimensions, for sure, but ultimately one universe). They are subject to that universes physical laws and are therefore flawed versions of Outer Gods, and due to their instability, most can be killed with a blue flashlight (long story). Outer Gods, then, are like "multiversal cancers," which grow outside universes themselves. Fun fact: There are dimensions of "time-time" in objective reality evident in the fact that, somehow, there was a "before the big bang." This is big time super physics, though, and it would hurt most people's heads, and yet we have the math to prove it. Imagine then, how insane it is that Yog-Sothoth, who is coterminous with all (our) time and space, was born AFTER Azathoth, who is as old as our universe. True story. Outer Gods do not make sense as a rule.
3. The relationships and "begottings" are not literally "Cthulhu humps Idh-yaa," although sometimes they are. I feel I need to stress that the terms used in the tree are relative to these completely non-sensical creatures we are talking about because I constantly here the sentiment that making a tree is somehow "wrong" because a family tree is "anthropocentric." Now truly, what more insane statement can there be than that? Humans invented sexual reproduction? I don't fucking think so, dumbass. Welcome to Earth, bitch. Regardless, I said it, so there, happy?
4. The tree here is not devoid of thoeries. I have kept them to a minimum, and only where I really needed/could seamlessly and believably integrate it. I will point these out, though, so no worries.
5. Yog-Sothothery contradicts itself, sometimes on purpose. Cxaxukluth IS NOT Yeb, you moron, Lovecraft was being obtuse on purpose. Or, did you expect a racist to NOT be an asshole? Guess again, Lovecraft is a racist AND an asshole.

But enough, time for the tree!

Ghatanothoa, DONT LOOK AT HIM! This is when he fought Ultraman Tiga, turned the guy into stone, and then the children believed really hard and Tiga was revived some how in, I'm not joking, "Glitter Mode." Though the rpg lists him as 50 meters tall, Ultraman has him at a more respectable and imposing 200 meters. Ghatanothoa, if you'll remember, is a bad ass monster who can kill you if you look at him. I like the upside-down face, but otherwise this seems to be his "i'm bigger, but you can look at me for longer" form.

The tree starts with Mlandoth and Mril-Thorion. These two beings combine and split every eons of cycles and form new spawn, matter, and other things. In a creationist view, this is god, but anyone with a sufficient mythos % will tell you that infinity is infinite, and something had to create Mlandoth AND Mril-Thorion, plus they aren't responsible for everything.

I had an elaborate system here that explained the Half-Brother with the splitting and reforming. It happens like so:

Mlandoth forms Azathoth
Mril-Thorion forms Ubbo-Sathla
They form the Half-Brother
Mlandoth forms Nyarlathotep
Mril-Thorion forms Yidhra
They form Ngyr-Khorath, Ngyr-Khorath buds off (or whatever) 'Ymnar

The problem is that Nyarlathotep is said by HPL to be the son of Azathoth, and Yidhra the daughter of Ubbo-Sathla. This directly contradicts the Necronomicon, and I would hate to think that Donald Tyson didn't do ENOUGH research when he made Nya and Aza best bros, but that seems to be the case.

But then what about the Half-Brother? Nyarlat has one parent, and I can't for the life of me think of any other thing Azathoth would "screw" to make Nyarlat's 1/2 bro. Maybe a human or otherwise mortal cultist is the only possible thing, which would match up with the Half-Brother being some insane malformed worthless piece of shit who does nothing but kill whatever Nyarlathotep sends it to. In this revision, we have one split (Azathoth and Ubbo-Sathla) and one join (Ngyr-Khorath).

A perfect image of Hastur, feaster from afar for sure, and possibly the form that lurks beneath the lake of Hali in, uh, that one timeline. In the Darkover timeline, it is for sure the dragon, but I don't think they know that yet. This is his default "monster" form, while the dragon is kind of a special thing.

Via Binary Fission:*
Nameless Mist/Nyog'Sothep/Magnum Inominandum
Night/Drog-N'Lyth/Magnum Tenebrosum
By a fissionary/budding process:
Singer from Dhol
Ogdru Jahad
Anything else in the court
By "Seed of Azathoth":
Everything else, like Ghadamon, is from the rpg, and doesn't count (boo-yaa!)
From boning some cultist:
Nyarlathotep's Half-Brother

*These three are different, and we know Ubbo spawn GOOs when he splits, while Aza uses "seeds," so just reverse it to set Nyarlat, Night, and Mist apart from the court. This might even make Half-Brother just a bud and not a binary fission thing, but, eh.

Normal fissionary process:
Binary Fission (opposite of Azathoth, when he splits he forms GOOs):*
Shudde M'ell
Through Spawn-Based Descent:**

*Shudde M'ell is said to be the child of Ubbo-Sathla via binary fission, which is more specific than Lumley really needed to be. But since he was, it sets up why Ubbo has more GOO kids than OG ones, because he split first, than bud off the spawn, then...
** Ubbo-Sathla is said to be indirectly responsible for all life on Earth, which is obviously untrue unless you're already insane. The story goes that the Elder Things (Old Ones) created Shoggoths and Earthlings by playing with the tissue of Ubbo's spawn, hence why he's on Earth in the first place. By extension, this make Chaugnar-Faugn and Yidhra the children of Ubbo. Yig is also there, but I don't have a direct source, so I don't know why. Yidhra is Ubbo's Nyarla, so the theme makes sense, it's just not the case. Either way, Ubbo is STILL responsible for these three, if not Earthlings. Whoops, I mean "NOT Earthlings."

Shubbie in her "tree" form. Fun fact: it's supposed to have three heads and WAY more legs than that. Isn't she pretty?

MIST - Yog-Sothoth, Yad-Thaddag, Noth-Yidik?, Daoloth??, Crimson Queen
Yad-Thaddag's family beyond being the Kthanid clone of Yog isn't spelled out. I would guess other "elder gods," like Nodens, Isis, Vorvadoss, N'tse-Kaambl, and Bast(?) somehow spawn from him.
Noth-Yidik mated with Chthon (K'thun) to produce the Hounds of Tindalos, which is wierd, and may mean they made a being that spawned them, or Noth spawned them, and had another kid with Chthon, and the two got confused.
The crimson queen mothered Los, the crimson king, with a human, who is also the father of the guy from the Dark Tower books. She came from the mists that are beyond reality or whatever the fuck. He's silmutaneously referencing his older story with the nameless mist, connecting the two, which is cool. Cooler than anything that guy's ever written.
NYARLATHOTEP mates with Yhoundeh - Sebek, Mary/Masked Mute, Lurker in the Star Pools
Someone even says in the comic about Mary (which isn't her real name) that they don't think it works like that. Nyarla is way too human for his own good, though, and they basically smash you over the head with it (both Mary and Nyarlathotep tell the audience this themselves several times), so it stays. Mary is better than Sebek anyways.
NIGHT - Shub-Niggurath, Ycnagnnisssz, Tsalal
The first of the Xoth pairings, the Xoth system was the true eden for Outer Gods/GOOs. Ycnag and Shub have a presence at the same time, implying Night is somehow involved (the timeline is really involved, but I waded through it so you wouldn't have to, Ycnag is VERY important to the timing of events on the Xothic system, so we know more about her "family" than we do about her!).
Tsalal is the darkness behind reality, or whatever, but it isn't Night, so, naturally, it's one of the children of the Night (heheh).
Ycnagnnisssz - Zstylzhemghi, Idh-yaa, Baoht Z'uqqa-Mogg
Idh-yaa is like, duh, and Baoht, while not technically counting, needs to be there for the whole Shaggai thing to go down in the larger picture, since the Shan ARE it's progeny, and the Shan absolutely count.
Zstylzhemghi w/ Ghisguth - Vulthoom, Tsathoggua
Vulthoom - E'ilor/Green God?
Tsathoggua w/ Shathak - Golgoroth, Zvilpoggua
Golgoroth - Thog
Zvilpoggua - Sfatlicllp
Sfatlicllp w/ Voormis - Knygathin-Zhaum
Idh-yaa w/ Cthulhu - Ghatanothoa, Ythogtha, Zoth-Ommog, Cthylla
Ythogtha - Othuum?
Zoth-Ommog - Ubb
Cthylla (artificial insemination with a balloon robot) - Cthynhi
Tsalal - Cyaegha, Othuyeg, Shuma-Gorath, Free-Jazz Cyaegha*
*Until someone acknowledges that Duane Rimel created Cyaegha first, I'm counting it as a different monster.

YOG-SOTHOTH - Hastur, (w/ Lavinna Whateley) Son of Yog, Wilbur Whateley
Yog-Sothoth + Shub-Niggurath - Nug, Yeb
Yog-Sothoth + Nug - Cthulhu, Kthanid, Kassogtha
Cthulhu (via mutating influence on Deep One child) - Dagon
Cthulhu (blood on the floor) - Rhogog
Cthulhu w/ Kassogtha - Nctosa, Nctolhu
Yeb - Mnomquah, Groth-golka
See, originally I thought Golgoroth and Groth-golka were bros, and to facilitate HPL's idea of Cthulhu and Tsathoggua being cousins, I put a Tsathoggua LIKE thing under Yeb. Turns out Gol is Tsath's son. Then I found out Mnomquah was Groth-golka's brother, not Golgoroth, but there was no reference to their parent(s), hence, I just left them there.
Mnomquah w/ Oorn - Bokrug
GOOs aren't like humans, they don't see "sex" as an activity, because it isn't, as far as we know. There's no telling HOW they get it on, and I don't care to know. So, it wouldn't make sense to have a mate unless you spawned something. Mnomquah lives on the moon, Ibians came from the moon, and so did the Ibian-like beings of the Nameless City, plus Bokrug looks like Mnomquah, so done deal.

SHUB-NIGGURATH - Beast of Babylon, Chthon?
Shub-Niggurath + Yig - Byatis
Shub-Niggurath + Hastur - Zhar, Lloigor, and Ithaqua, and an unnamed tripl... oh, whoops, you can't have a tiplet if it's THE FOURTH CHILD you fucking morons. ITHAQUA is the triplet. Get over it, damn.
Shub-Niggurath w/ Human - Mother of Pus (I know, it shouldn't count but it's just so cool sounding)

Tulzscha - Cthugha
This has been just assumed forever, there's no reason not to just come out and say it.
Cthugha - Fthaggua, Aphoom-Zhah
Aphoom-Zhah - Rhan-Tegoth, Gnoph-Kehs
Aphoom-Zhah - Rhan-Tegoth
Rhan-Tegoth - Gnoph-Kehs, Voorm (not even a real thing)
I've seen it both ways with no confirmation either way in anything I've read. So, there.
Cxaxukluth - Hziulqouigmnzhah, Ghisguth/Ghizguth
Ghisguth w/ Zstylzhemghi - we've been over this
Cthalpa - Denderrah, Chthon?, Shterot (Denderrah isn't stated as, but just to simplify)
About Chthon: isn't given a source by LC, used as one of Shubbie's generals in Quake, is an actual lava-man, so associations with Shub and Cthalpa are obvious. Not known if either is the parent, or which one takes precedence, since one didn't get Shub right and the other is a french rpg supplement.
Mantorok - Ulyaoth, Xel'lotath, Chattur'gha (again, simplify)
Ogdru Jahad - Sadu-Hem/Behemoth, Urgo-Hem, Katha-Hem, Conqueror Worm, Sammael
Sammael is the spawn of Nergal specifically, none of the others are given a "component parent."

ABHOTH - Atlach-Nacha, Zyhume
Zyhume - Yhoundeh
Yhoundeh w/ Nyaralthotep - we know already
Many-Thing - Red Flux (lives in Many's dimension, duh)
Yig - Coatlicue, Set
Yig w/ Shub - covered
YIDHRA w/ Yig - Ayi'ig (how did they ever think of that name?)

A perfect image of Tsathoggua. Except... well, he's missing some toad legs, and I don't think he has that many eyes, but everything else is 100% perfect. You forgot he was also a line with legs, didn't you?

Ngyr-Khorath - 'Ymnar

Oorn, Shathak, and Sysyphyx don't have a parent. Sysy is from atlantis, Shathak must have met Tsath on Cykranosh, might be FROM Kythanil, and then took Zvil back there. Oorn... who cares?

Let's look at the list of non-grouped entities:
Beast in the Pit (dream monster, might be glorified nightmare and not GOO, or literal nightmare, kin of Night)
Black Flying Thing from the Vale that REH Never Named
Cynothoglys (Mordiggian's son or vice versa would work, perhaps put them both under Yibb-Tstll)
Dweller in the Gulf (Some relation to Vulthoom? Could be associated with Lam, who is also from Mars)
Eihort (fuck if I know)
Gith (so, you cut off the face of a jackal and then glowing eyes? what the hell?)
Hoppwood Tenant (it NEEDS to be in the tree)
Lam (might fit in around Hastur or Yog, associated with other martian monsters?)
M'Nagalah (and it's two bros, maybe tie into Mordiggian/Cyno, or straight from Azathoth)
Mordiggian (son of Cyno or vice versa, also Yibb, again)
Quachil-Uttaus (sounds like a Yog-baby to me)
Q'yth-az (Daoloth? He got two question marks being Mist's kid, so even that wouldn't be much of a link)
Quumyagga (had to come from Nyarlathotep or another dream monster, HAD TO)
Rlim Shaikorth (arctic guy, son of Ithaqua maybe?)
Sedmelluq (ANTarctic guy, I really wanna say Ubbo-Sathla, maybe Rlim, or something from Yuggoth)
Sthood (another dream only one)
The Beach (so weird, but I can't help but think it's more of an Ubbo thing than a spawn of Azathoth)
Yomagn'tho (some relation to Cthugha?)

More later? Don't bet on it.


Why Sub-Zero Should Be a Cyborg

So, I just realized I haven't written anything about Mortal Kombat yet. Plus, now is a great time for that mess, because of on the count of how something really, REALLY cool is totally going to happen.

Now, for those who don't yet know, let me fill you in. The new Mortal Kombat game, which is just called Mortal Kombat for now, but it's unofficial title is Mortal Kombat 9 (and, unlike Silent Hill, this actually IS the 9th MK). I know what you're thinking, you're thinking "yeah, Sub-Zero vs. Superman was pretty cool, but without a gimmick, there's nothing to distract me from the fact that I'm playing a really horrible 3D fighting game that focuses on circle-strafing and stupid gay-assed punches in instead being an actual fighting game like, gee, I don't know, Mortal Kombat."

And you would be right to think that. Ever since 2000 there hasn't been a really "good" MK game. Sure, Armageddon was cool, and once again, Green Lantern smacking Scorpion with a giant hammer is awesome, but they all have two really big kinks in the gears (?): faggot-assed circle strafing and "fighting styles" which is a gay as hell way to add in characters with no actual powers. Or originality, but that's a whole other problem.

Basically, if they could just get back to where they left off, everything would be cool. That's what MK9 is all about.

And quite literally. When we last left our heroes (and villains), Armageddon's 60-something equally canon endings each affect the entire universe of that timeline, forever changing the history of classic rock. Raiden, who can now for some reason time travel, has gone back in time, or sent a message back in time, or something like that, in order to create a new timeline where... something else happens.

We don't really know the story yet, but the important part is that this is an ENTIRELY NEW TIMELINE restarting from the events of the first Mortal Kombat (the first game, not the first tournament).

So with this setting in mind, we need to establish two things: where we were story wise at this time in the original timeline, and what is going to or, dare I say it, already has changed in this new one.

The first one is easy: Both Sub-Zeros are still alive. Scorpion has yet to get his revenge. Liu Kang hasn't won the tournament for Earthrealm yet. Kano is still on the lam. Ermac is still a rumour. Other things. We've been here, but the interesting thing is that now we are going back to that time with all the retconned knowledge of the story in place, so, while Ermac was just a rumour in 1992, we now know that in-universe we secretly observing the first tournament. Cool shit like that.

And with this monkey wrench of the note from the future, shit is simply not going to go down the same way.

But here's the wierd thing: other than Sub-Zero the elder being alive still (which isn't a change at this point in the timeline anyways) nothing has actually changed yet. But Ed Boon assures us that things are going to get shook up. How? Well, one thing he said (or was said to have said, I never saw the interview, I read it, so there's room for doubt) was that characters were a cyborg in the original timeline may not be in this one, and vice versa.

But, we've already seen both Cyrax and Sektor (and I'm pretty sad about human Sektor, honestly, because human Cyrax would just use bombs and a net, but what made Sektor such a high ranking Lin Kuei? Did he literally carry a rocket launcher with him?), so that just leaves Smoke to be human, which is a given, because Smoke has to be a human for the game to not suck, which it clearly does not.

So who's the cyborg? Sub-Zero, of course! Remember, we aren't losing human Sub-Zero, because the older brother is still alive, so we get both human and cyborg Sub-Zeroes AND we get to include both brothers in the storyline in new ways that will alter how the drama will play out.

In some other words, it's really fucking cool.

And you can't really debate this without looking like a retard either. Noob's gone, and a vote for non-robot Sub Jr. is a vote for two human Sub-Zeroes, which is, as I just said, fucking retarded. Plus the other benefit is human Smoke which is also the only possible way that could go.

Really now, there is no other possibility. Killing baby Sub and making him Noob would be ridiculous and uninspired. Robot Sub? Awesome.

In other MK9 ninja news, we are also going to see Ruby/Scarlet for the first time. Ed sent out a photo of one of the character's legs, and it was a femal ninja-looking deal but wearing red. He also mentioned bringing back more rumours from the past games and substantiating them, like how he used to do back when Mortal Kombat was good.

So, Ruby is all but confirmed.

Also, another qoute mentions that if you had a favorite from MK-MK3, they're probably in. So no-brainers Jade and Ermac are all but in as well.

That brings the current ninja population to:

That's 12 ninjas. Unless there are more ninjas than non-ninjas in this game, which I don't think is likely, that's gonna be a metric shit ton of characters. Like, probably too many. Chameleon and Reiko were directly stated to not be present long ago, by the way. Not MUCH of a loss, but it won't be a complete ninja roster without them. Shao Khan is in though, and that's better than Reiko, really.

But, anywhichways, that's what I know about that. This, Splatterhouse, Silent Hill, and of course Bayonetta are going to break the camel's back on this and I'm going to need one of those stupid damned PS3s. More like PS$350, am I right?

Okay, so, uh, bye.


Ruining Godzilla 29 a Full 2 Years Before Release

When I saw this poster, I squealed like a hysterical schoolgirl. For obvious reasons. It took a whole 5 minutes for me to go from "jonas brothers screaming" to "star wars nerd rage."

Remember Godzilla 29 and how cool it was going to be, and how it was totally going to be the movie Banno has been waiting to make for, like, 40 years? Yeah, well, guess what. Hollywood fucked it up already, and the film isn't due for another 2 years.

Yeah, I know, the poster looks so cool, and it was confirmed (like you NEED a confirmation) that Godzilla will be X-ing at least one other kaiju, but then they had to go and use the c-word.

So that's it then. Nevermind that Godzilla single handedly INVENTED special effects, or that CGI is a discredited trope that hasn't been used in a monster movie since... uh... Peter Jackson's King Kong (and we all know how THAT turned out...), or that the ability to use CGI as an enhancement to existing practical effects creating a whole new field of integrated technology that would have been Eiji Tsuburaya's dream come true and is responsible for some of the most gorgeous monster movies of all time (Silent Hill, GMM, AvP, any recent Werewolf movie, the new Gamera, etc.), and I guess it doesn't really matter that not only does the movie going audience despise the very idea of CGI characters in modern films, but the niche market a Godzilla film occupies hinges, uh... 100% of it's audience based on whether Godzilla is done practically or not, something that YOU'RE NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO ASK ABOUT!

This is non-negotiable. Fucking fix it or I walk on the franchise. I've been obsessed with Godzilla since I was 2, it was my one insane fanboy thing that I could really call my own, the one thing I got irrationally pissy about when the status quo was nudged a little (remember when they made King Ghidorah a good guy? Those were dangerous times to try and talk to me), and now I can't even have that.

Fuck you, Godzilla. Maybe it isn't too late to change my major. Looks like it's time to quit film school and drop the "armchair" from "armchair paleontologist."

Although, if Satsuma walks, then Godzilla himself is still cool, and we just have another GINO on our hands. That would be a very sad turn of events, but at least it means there is a better future to look forward too.

R.I.P. Godzilla (1954-2007)

P.S. It would be really nice of you to somehow rise from your grave just one more time, and get this "cgi" thing dealt with. Just sayin'.


Deo Gratis Pro Ariel Pink

The only thing left is the inevitable cover bands. By the by, you CAN NOT have Submarine Yellow's Spooky Doodles. That's mine. I call dibs.

But really though, why are there other things? Do we really need them anymore? We've got Ariel Pink already, soooo...

And it's wierd, because I've never felt this way before. I mean, really, I'm done. I know that, logically, we are only at middle Ariel Pink, and the late is still to come, but I can't stretch my brain around in order to figure out what the hell possibly comes next. Maybe I'm tired. Maybe all those wild times in the 70's with acid and Boyd Rice burned me out, maybe I'm still bitter after the divorce, or perhaps this has something to do with one of those other believable things that I totally did, but I'm just done.

Recently, I've tracked down some Ariel Pink stuff from 1996-1998 and such much that, before today (heheh) I never even bothered to look for because, get this, I was too scared of what I might hear. Like, if the stuff he was choosing to allow us, the unwashed public, to hear was, uh, like THAT, then what were his obscure and gritty underground recordings like? The very concept gives me shivers, and the fact that there is SO MUCH, that not many have dared attempting to collect it, and that Helen, Suicide Notice, and Artifact are totally enough and now I can die, just makes the whole proposition of "the super old school" Ariel Pink so mind-numbingly overpowering that...

I can't quite say what I'm trying to say here.

But, so what happened is I did find some of this stuff, specifically Hum It In the Streets, first run Underground (crash is still cemeteries/railroads, 2 or 3 cut songs, no Until the Night Dies) from like 1998, the original Scared Famous or FF>>, I forget, but it's got the "lost tracks," a version of YAS DuDette with the 15 minute steviestorm broken down (kinkaid? I was calling it "love emporium" this whole time!) and some other goodies, and something called "Welcome to Our World" which I can't find on any discographies.

And, of course, my worst fears were realized. Crazy 90's Ariel Pink (from the inception of Hauntology, and while his industrial influences are MUCH more prevalent) is painfully perfect. Did you know he was doing hi-fi in 1998? True story. The downloads are still around, so check this out to get them. Some of the tracks on this these things ARE on the accessible releases, but then, it would be wierd for me to assume you don't already have Underground or Oddities Sodomies Vol. 1 (where is vol. 2 already?). That, plus, being a pirate is cool.

And I'm still very hesitant about listening to all this, I mean, if the oppurtunity arose again I would grab it in a heartbeat because I can't miss a single thing, but still, knowing now that my hunch was right and 96-99 (or so) was just as, and in many cases more cool that, say, something on paw tracks you can just up and buy.

And certainty is always more scary than a vague idea. You want haunted, you say? The muddy netherverse of Ariel Pink in the late 90's is officially the most haunting thing on the planet. Color me (yellow/pink/whatever) artistically sated, I just don't need anything else anymore.

As a wise man once said, "Originality is dead, long live variations on a theme."

That is the will of the Grand Council of Hauntology.

But this too was all but a part of Architeuthis's plan...


There Are No Crazy People Anymore

I wrote about two half articles, one with Ariel Pink chords (turns out I'd gotten Artifact wrong, though, so no harm no foul, I guess, whatever that means) and one as a reaction to something Tricia (some girl who likes dinosaurs, art, and dinosaur art whose blog I read when I can) saying that, even though dinosaurs have feathers, they don't have TOO MANY feathers, which is a damn lie and you know it. Peacock. End of story.

But as I was driving back from not finding the location of the shoot for Preacher's Daughter, I was starting to feel really uncomfortable. We're shooting out in Alvin, which is a little podunk hick suburb where they still fly confedrate flags. Now, I'm omnigendered (as in, all of them), and to the Nth degree at that, and while that may not seem like a very big deal in a time when most people are well-adjusted, multi-faceted, complicated individuals with copmlex feelings and personalities that can not be represented by a shallow, superficial system such as gender roles that haven't been updated since the 1950's, it does make me a tomgirl. Hillbillies, you may have heard, are among the last remaining people who give a shit about these things, and they don't like it. So, driving 10 miles under the speed limit because of a spare an hour away from home in the middle of bum-fuck nowhere is disturbing to me. Of course, with all those extra genders, I can hide the feminine crap without pretending to be something I'm not... but having friends who can't hide things from the crazies (such as the black people, yeah, you forgot there were still racists didn't you? Yep, they're still around, just not in public anymore) doesn't make me sleep any easier.

And then I started thinking about the word "tomgirl." No one uses it. Why? It's like, one of my favorite words. You know tomboy, right? You probably had a best friend in elementary school who was a tomboy, right? Weren't they kick ass? Everybody loves tomboys. Tomgirl is like that to me, as it makes more sense than "trap," but still has a really positive connotation. I just... like it. But why isn't it ever used?

Then I was poking around on google and found this neat little blog called accepting dad, and a year old post with comments as recent as two months ago. It's called Tomgirls vs. Thing Without a Name, and it explains why tomgirl never really caught on... something I'm glad I didn't notice as a kid. But it also got me thinking about this same sentiment I keep HEARING (note: I'm hearing the sentiment only, keep this on file for later) but never seeing in... anywhere.

There is this idea among all us normal, non-crazy people that the crazies have infiltrated every aspect of society, that they control everything, and we all must bend to their unflinching hateful will. Turns out, this is dead wrong. Let me explain what I think happened to make everybody believe this with an analogy:

Let's say we have a group of 10 normal, sane people with different personalities, viewpoints, and whatever, but who all respect each other's right to be who they are. They are all holed up in this bar, and outside are like, 50 guys who hate all of our 10 bar guys for various reasons. 10 of the people outside manage to get into the bar. They start spouting all this hate, and things get tense. One of our 10 guys politely explains that, even though the 10 people in the bar are different, they get along with each other just fine, and they have no ill will towards the people on the outside either, but rather the conflict between them was entirely conceived by the people outside the bar. Moved to tears, 8 of the intruders decide to stay inside the bar, while the other 2, unable to tolerate any human being different from them in any way, storm outside to gather more of their hate-mongering army.

The score:
Drinking and having a good time and sharing ideas in an accepting atmosphere
Stubborn assholes who want to lynch anyone different from them

Now this goes on for a while. Gradually, it gets to the point where most of the people inside the bar can actually go outside and talk to the assholes, because they have been accepted for so long, or perhaps, were once part of the crowd of crazies, that the line between who is and isn't acceptable begins to blur. Now we have 42 people in the bar, and 18 people outside. Of the 42, 30 of them are free to wander without prejudice between the two groups. The jerks outside can no longer tell the difference, and for many of them, if they could, they wouldn't care. This leaves 12 people in the bar who are still paranoid about going outside, because a slightly larger group of people outside will be immediately able to tell that our 12 are part of the "unacceptable" group.

The score:
People inside the bar who will be immediately persecuted by the jerks outside
People who have an easy truce with the crazies, and/or can slip by them unnoticed
People still clinging to guns and religion

The parallels should be obvious, but this isn't the end. It turns out that about a third of the crazy people outside the bar are secretly just like the 12 who refuse to leave. Under the ruse of going into to get the infidels, these 6 go into the bar with no resistance whatsoever, admit everything, have a good cry, are immediately accepted for who they are by 42 other people, and of that group, 3 still decide to go back outside and continue to live a lie.

The score:
People who are staying in the bar to avoid prejudice, including the ones you just came in
People who are completely removed from the conflict at this point
People outside who really are fucking psychos
People who are pretending to be psychos because they are afraid of how their psycho buddies would react if they knew the truth

Now things get interesting. Our 15 people who would not leave the bar suddenly grow a pair, and with the protection of 30 (secretly 33) other guys, leave the bar, catch some flak from crazies, but go on and do other things with their lives. The 12 true psychos enter the bar, and the 3 pretenders say they'll catch up later. Now what happens? Well, those intolerant assholes are still out there. So, the 48 sane people (3 in cognito) get together in a park with a live band and have a big festival celebrating acceptance. It's kind of a gay party, but the band is good, so people enjoy it. One of the prominent leaders of the "sane-ies" gives a speech. He says he's proud of all these people who embrace who they are and refuse to comprimise, and that even though they all get alot of crap from the people around them, and it's hard to even go outside anymore, remember to stand tall and never back down from who you are, and all this other shit. Everyone agrees. People are jerks, but stick with it, and together we'll give our children a better future, or some nonsense.

Do you see what I'm getting at? These people all had to deal with being around the crazies for a good portion of their life, and, to them, jerks were always the majority. But the problem is we have have 48 of this sample group of 60 all in the same room talking about how they are not excepted by... 12 drunks in a bar who nobody likes.

And I'm not trivializing this, if you are one of those 12-15 people the other 12 simply can not tolerate, they will not be nice to you. But, remember, all you have to do is avoid one bar that, and I can not stress this enough, NOBODY goes to. Nobody.

I'm fully aware that in the bustling metropolis of Pieceofshitville, South Carolina, population 4, all kissin' cousins, there will be hell to pay if you are one of those 100 things that crazy people don't like. Thing is, I live in Houston, a pretty big city that's in south Texas. Yeah, Texas. So where the fuck is the discrimination? The looking askance? The unfair judgement of character based on any number of superficial criteria? It simply isn't here.

Because what's happened now is that we are all a huge population of completely sane people who don't bash each other for unimportant nonsense, but rather we are ALL so concerned about the rednecks under the bed that it actually unifies us. We hate those boogeymen, all of us, in the entire city. You know, wherever they are.

And I've given the jerks plenty of chances to make themselves known. Plus, I don't have the ability to associate with people of any type of crazy. Religious people, 9/11 conspiract theorists, racists, sexists, whatever-ists, Tea Partiers, drama professors, whatever, I can't deal with those people, so I walk away. I've met them, I know they are out there, but even then these people keep these feelings to themselves, so that you really need to befriend someone for a period of time before it comes out that they are actually unbalanced, because THEY are the ones who are discriminated against.

But what happens to me when I'm wearing a tomgirl outfit? Do I get called a fag by everybody and their dog? No, of course not. Most boys at school have a crush on me, true story. But I'm not saying this to brag, I'm getting to another point here, and it's about why the word "tomgirl" isn't used in the first place.

Now let's say you come across a tomgirl, and you assume that their life is an endless nightmare of persecution and you want to make sure you treat them with the respect any human being deserves (except, of course, drama professors). How do you address them? Who knows? Don't ask me, I certainly have no clue. Actually, no one does. What is considered polite? Further, with so many uneeded distinctions about why any given individual fills any given gender role or identity, how do you know the polite way to refer to that person?

We know that if it's a transexual, you use the pronouns that apply to the sex that person feels that they are. But then we already have subtle sexism at work, because why does a feminine gender role become the only diagnostic factor in identifying someone as a MtF transexual? That's fucking sexist right there, just because they feel as though they are a certain sex, doesn't mean they have to fill an outdated gender role based off of it.

But what if they do? Are they trying to hide their sex? Are they wearing a choker to conceal an adam's apple, or just because they thought it was pretty? Is it just an ugly woman? Or a hot woman with an unfortunate shoulder width and a sharper looking face? How can you tell? Can you ask them? Is that impolite? Should you assume they want to be female, or is that sexist too? Can you complement them on their outfit, or is that sexual harasment? Wow, if they're hot, were you gay for dudes this whole time?

And it's neat because you can actually see the wheels turning in people's heads as they struggle with how they are supposed to treat you, what's considered "right" and "wrong." The truth is there is no right or wrong yet, and the revelation that genders are fucking stupid in the first place has only started working into the mainstream public for the past 20 years or so. People aren't being rude on purpose, they just truly don't know what to say.

Because of this, "tomgirl" never gets used, or even thought of. It's funny, though, because there are no terms for primarily neutral or androgynous people. What would that even be? Tomperson for neutral and... tombowie? I don't even know. Plus, except for maybe connecting andros with hermaphrodites, N & A were not based on a sex, so EVERYONE who has a N/A gender identity or role is a tom-whatever.

And what about me? Sure, I've got an outfit for each one, but that just ignores the fact that I'm all of them depending on what mood I'm in. What do you call that? Tom-everything? The answer: you would ONLY come up with different nomenclature when I'm wearing a skirt + heels, because for some reason, being neutral, masculine, and androgynous doesn't really seem to warrant a special name, and THAT'S sexist.

But that's where we are right now. We are just now feeling our way around in a pretty murky area, and no one really knows the right way to handle it. Fine with me, because I don't really care about pronouns or whatever, but it creates an illusion of a cold an unfeeling world that refuses to accept who you are when the reality couldn't be further from that.

And really, that's the best kind of sexism. The I'm-so-nervous-I-don't-know-which-pronoun-to-use kind.

And one last thing: I don't want to make it seem like I'm ignoring the fact that some transgendered people (which, again, is EVERYONE, you neutral bastards) do live in the vicinity of genuinely crazy jackasses. They are out there, and they are Complete Monsters, but those people are in an unlucky situation, rather than me being in a lucky one. That's got to be a terrible situation, and believe me when I say that everyone (again, I do mean everyone) is on your side, and you need to get the hell out of there before you get hurt. But those people are the ones we need to be careful with our rhetoric with and do everything in our power to protect. Not me, I'm fine. It's the other guys who get put in a bad situation that you need to be helping.

And this is the last fucking time I'm doing this. I mean, really, it's over. The well meaning people are the only ones you can run into in your daily life who make shit look harder than it needs to be. Thanks for making a huge deal about nothing, but please, leave me the fuck alone. You're smothering me with your "well-meaningness." I ain't gay for dudes either, so no means no, you pig.

...I'm exaggerating in that last paragraph, but you can see what I'm getting at, right? You're making a mountain out of a molehill, and I'm not the one who wants to hear how "brave" you think I am.

Next time: Who the fuck am I kidding? Like I can keep track of junk.